Page 16 of London, Love, & A Little Something Irish

I forgot I’m not wearing makeup. I groan inwardly. I’m pretty sure my face still has the remnants of my tragic crying session. Iprobably look like the human version of a melted candle—if that candle had been left out in the sun during a heatwave, run over by a bike, and then stepped on for good measure. Why does Nathan only seem to catch me when I’m really not at my best? The first time we met, I was sporting very tangled hair and my makeup was almost all gone because it was the end of the day. Now, I look even worse!

But Nathan’s face lights up like he hasn’t noticed any of that. Or maybe he has, and he doesn’t care.

“Aghhh, I lost my camera today,” I blurt. “I’ve been throwing myself a little pity party at home, but I figured I’d better crawl out of that hole and come to team night instead.”

“Oh no. What happened?” he asks.

“I left it on the seat next to me while I was waiting for the DLR, then panicked when I saw it was arriving. I doubled back… but of course, it’s London. It was gone.”

“Did you check with the station? Lost and found?”

“Yeah, I did. No one handed it in. I’ve been busy feeling sorry for myself for the rest of the afternoon. Hence why I look like this,” I motion to myself.

“Really? I think you look great.”

My stomach does a somersault.

“I better get going. Joy’s already gone in to save me seat. I’ll catch you around?” I say as I begin to walk toward the door.

“I’ll be seeing you,” he says, eyes lingering, lips quirking. I have a feeling that means something.

I felt a spark. And I think he felt one too. It was like there was an electric current zipping back and forth between us, one that had been more dormant the first time we met. It was there, but with all my Joel baggage being carried around, it got forgotten.

Tonight? It’s come alive.

I make a beeline for the bathroom, mascara in hand, determined to do some damage control so I don’t look like I’ve been starring in a dramatic breakup montage.

While I’m putting on my mascara, I’m contemplating.I have a boyfriend. I’m going to need to remind myself of this constantly, apparently. My thoughts clearly have a mind of their own and keep drifting to Nathan, and it makes me feel like the worst girlfriend ever.

But I wouldn’t cheat. That’s just not me. Even if my heart is all over the place—even if I’m unsure this relationship should continue—I won’t betray the commitment I’ve made. My morals aren’t in a mess. Just... everything else is.

Joel has been acting so strange lately. He barely calls. Barely texts. I even cried the other night because I just felt so unsettled about everything in our relationship. Because maybe I’m starting to not feel so comfortable with feeling like I don’t know where we stand or how we feel. It’s like the mixed signals are back. So if my thoughts are inclined toward a certain tall, dark-haired, five o’clock-shadowed, muscled man… then it’s just me wondering what I actually want in a man I want to marry.

Just thinking about Nathan makes the first thing on my list come rushing back to me. Not that muscles are the most important thing in a guy to me—duh, I’m not shallow. But it reminds me of the list.

Second on the list is Christian: in love with God. I don’t want to marry a guy who just goes to church, but someone who’s inlovewith God. Jesus is part of his non-negotiable package too.

I always think of my parents’ love story. They each wrote lists. And then, somehow, they found each other. I wrote my own list after my ex broke my heart, trying to make sense of what I really wanted in a man I want to spend the rest of my life with. And this is where things get complicated.

Because if I’m being honest, Joel doesn’t check all the boxes. He’s kind, he’s sweet, and he loves God—which is the most important thing. He’s the first Christian guy I’ve ever dated, and that feels significant. Like maybe it’s worth holding onto.

But then there’s Nathan.

And in the span of a five-minute conversation, he made me feel seen in a way Joel hasn’t.It’s like something in me flickered back on. Like part of me that had gone quiet suddenly started singing again.

Maybe my list isn’t just about shared faith or good qualities. Maybe it’s also aboutspark. About being with someone who makes me feel alive.

My parents got engaged three days after meeting because they knew—deep down—that they had found the person who met the listandlit up their heart. I grew up on that story. I grew up believing in that kind of love.

So of course I’ve been praying about it. Because I know God cares about the details. He’s in the details. He knows my heart’s desires—because He’s the one who placed them there.

So what if… what if the list I made wasn’t just my own wishful thinking?

What if it’s the map God’s using to lead me toward the person He had in mind all along? I know not everyone believes that God hasoneperson for them—and that’s okay. But I like to think that if He created me, then I can trust Him with the big and the small. Including the person He knows will fit me best.

My inner debate team is always contemplating the deepest questions in life. Sometimes it’s a good thing, and other times I watch a movie to escape the incessant questions going around in my head. I may be avoiding some questions that beg for answers, but they’re clearly horrible at playing hide and seek because they’re right there for me to look at in my mind’s eye.

Things are off with Joel. That is what it is for the time being. But also... I have male friends.

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