Page 28 of London, Love, & A Little Something Irish

We came back to my parents’ place, and we chilled for the rest of the night. I’m staying on the sofa bed which I still need to unfold, and my thoughts can’t seem to quieten down. I’m wide awake, thinking through everything.

“Hey, sweetheart. You’re still up?” Mom walks into the living room, concern soft in her voice.

“Yeah, I’ve just been thinking through some things, is all.” I hug my knees to my chest.

“Is this about Joel?” Her voice was gentle, but steady. “I know what my daughter looks like when she’s in love. And this… doesn’t look like it.” Nothing escapes my mom’s ever knowing eyes.

“Honestly, Mom, I’m still trying to figure it all out. He’s the first Christian guy I’veever dated, which makes him really different from the guys I’ve dated. He actually cares about the most important thing to me.”

“Yes, sweetheart. But just because he’s Christian doesn’t mean he’stheone. I think you need to revisit that list you wrote—remember what you’re looking for in a husband.” She sits beside me.

“Your dad and I both had lists, you know that. They weren’t magical, and your dad’s not perfect. But those lists helped us recognize the kind of person we wanted to spend our lives choosing, forgiving, and loving.”

“I once came across a story shared online by a woman named Lauren Britt. She described marriage like two explorers landing on a new, uncharted shore. They decided they would build a life there—together. No matter what challenges came, they'd face them side by side. And then, to make sure there was no turning back, they burned their ships. That was the commitment: not just choosing each other, but choosing to stay. That’s what makes a marriage last—you both decide that leaving isn’t an option. That has forever stuck with me.”

“You’re right, Mom. I guess I just don’t know how toknow. He’s great. He’s funny and witty. But sometimes, things just feel… off. And I don’t know if that’s how it’s supposed to feel with someone I might marry. But then we laugh, and we have good moments, too.”

“Joel’s a nice guy,” she says gently. “He’s charming and he’s a brilliant conversationalist. He’s funny. And if you’re happy with him and see a future with him, then that’s great. But I know you. And right now? You don’t seem all in. If you’re not honest about what you really want, you’ll both get hurt.”

She paused, then added quietly, “Is he the one you want to burn your ship for?”

I swallowed.

“You’re an all-in kind of girl. Don’t settle for less,” She pats my knee as she moves to get up.

“Thanks mom. You’ve given me a lot to think about. I love you,” I reply.

My mom always knows what to say. I remember when I was a teenager and she would do this thing where she’d put her finger right underneath her eye and pull her eyelid down to make her eye seem bigger and wider. It was her way of saying:I’m watching you, and I know more than you think I know.

But my mom has always provided a safe space for me. That’s one of the things that really helped me understand the grace of God. Whenever I got things wrong, she would just open up a safe space for me to be honest—to admit my mistakes and talk about how I wanted to change. There was never anything she said that made me feel ashamed, and that really empowered me to shed light and truth on things. She really is the most amazing woman I know. So, she knows that Joel meeting them doesn’t necessarily mean I’m 100% in this for the long haul. This also makes me sigh out of relief. There doesn't have to be a massive amount of pressure in this. But I’ve definitely been building up the pressure in my mind.

In the morning, Joel and I walked around Bournemouth, and we went down to the beach to take a stroll along the promenade. It was great to show him the sights on a vibrant, sunny day.

Now, Joel and I are in the living room, just chilling and hanging out about to watch a movie.

“Bournemouth is really cool. I feel like we should do a church event down here. The beach is sandy and it’s only two hours from London—it’s ideal,” Joel says.

“Coming back here always reminds me how much I love being by the water. It’s so nice in the summer too, especially during the air festival,” I reply.

“Maybe we could have one of our young adult trips down here in the summer.”

“That sounds like a great idea. It’s a perfect spot for summer.”

But at that moment, my phone buzzes across on the other side of the room. I get up to go and check who’s just messaged me.

Nathan: Hey, how’s it going?

My heart just did a little loud thump that reached up to my ears. How is this possible after just a text?

Me: Hey, I’m good, thanks. How are you?

Nathan: Yeah, good. I was thinking about what you said about this movie the other day, and it made me think of you.

My heart is like a racehorse, gearing up to take off. I won’t be chatting too much with him now, but there’s a constant spark every time I talk to Nathan. I constantly feel guilty that there’s a spark even though we’re just friends. And if this carries on, I know it really needs to be addressed. I don’t think I’ll be able to stay with Joel much longer if my heart starts to lean this way, it’s not fair on him. It also isn’t great timing that Joel has just come down to meet my parents when the state of our relationship feels… unsettled.

I know I’ve been shoving it to the back of my mind to avoid conflict, but I haven’t really been avoiding the truth. The truth? The truth is, Idowant thatIt Takes Twokind of love—the can’t-eat, can’t-sleep, reach-for-the-stars, over-the-fence, World-Series kind of stuff. And every day, I’m starting to recognize that this isn’t it. That maybe… we both deserve more.

“Bom dia, Mom,” I say, kissing her on the cheek—good morningin Portuguese.

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