Page 34 of London, Love, & A Little Something Irish

But after that extremely short interaction with Nathan, there’s this heavy feeling in my chest. Like something’soff, and I can’t figure out why.

But maybe he can’t be chatting right now? He could be busy volunteering. The men are all here volunteering, helping behind the scenes. It’s kind of beautiful, honestly—to be served, loved, and championed by them like this.

After coming back to London from Bournemouth, Joel had to go on another trip, and now it’s Colour so I haven’t had to see him much while I’ve been trying to work this all out for once and for all.

The questions have constantly rolled through my mind: He’s comfortable. He’s safe. He’s steady. He’s nice. But do I want to camp out in my comfort zone for the rest of my life, waiting for it to become special? Or, am I ready and willing to risk my heart again, and on a guy like Nathan?

As I walk in, my shoulders are a little slumped.

Joy catches me as I’m coming in.

“Hey, girl!” She stops in front of me, brow scrunching. “What’s wrong?”

It’s the final session, and I’ve loved every moment of this conference. But man, my internal conflict? Flip, I’m exhausted.

“Just a lot on my mind, I guess,” I say with a shrug.

She links her arm through mine. “If you want to talk about it, you know I’m here to listen.”

“I know, thanks girly. But I’d rather hear about you. I feel like we’ve been surrounded by so many people we’ve barely caught up!”

She sighs. “I know! We need to go to Peggy Porschen, grab a cupcake, and sip away our woes with that incredible gingerbread tea together.”

Cupcakes feel like a Band-Aid right now. I need stitches.

“That gingerbread tea is like a warm, cozy blanket in my mouth. And the red velvet cupcakes? Delicious. I’m dreaming of them right now.”

“Agreed. I’ve had a great time at Colour, I’m looking forward to this last session.”

“Me too! Let’s find our seats before we get stuck in the nosebleeds.”

We walk in, grab our seats, and the night begins.

Bobbie Houston is standing on stage, carrying herself with that effortless grace I admire so much. She speakslightinto the room, into our hearts, and I soak it in.

But that unsettled feelinglingers. Nathan’s weird mood. Joel coming back soon.

Bobbie’s voice pulls me back in.

“We have a gift for you tonight,” she says warmly.

A volunteer steps into the aisle with a stack of Bibles. They’re meant to be passed on—to a man in our lives. A father, a brother, a friend... or someone else. As I get my hand on one, I feel the cover. It’s absolutely beautiful. It’s leather bound, and it’s gray. I love the feel of it, and the lookof it.

And then?—

A whisper inside me.

Give it to Nathan.

My breath catches.Joelis my boyfriend. Technically… he should be the one to get the Bible? But that doesn’t sit right with me.

I clutch the Bible tighter, trying to ignore thevery clearfeeling inside me. I’m probably just imagining it. I’mexhaustedfrom this weekend. Maybe I’m reading too much into things. But deep down, I know I’m not.

I’ve never dealt well with guilt. I’m not the type to get defensive—when I mess up, I feel it in mybones. I always hold myself to impossible standards.

I’ve had a bit of a hard time understanding God’s grace throughout my life. The more time has passed, I’ve grasped it better. But the perfectionist in me still crops up a lot.

I stare down at the Bible, my chest feeling too tight. The truth is, this entire time, I’ve just been avoiding a reality I didn’t want to face.

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