Page 38 of London, Love, & A Little Something Irish

“So, why didn’t you tell me you have a boyfriend?” he asks, his tone far from the teasing he normally would direct my way.

He glares at me, looking very casual, but hiseyes tell me another story. They’re intense. Like he’s been thinking about this for too long.

My throat tightens. My stomach? Gone. Fully dropped out of my body and is on its way out the door without me. Did he—did he really just say that?

Oh. No.Oh no no no no no NO. This is not happening. This is not a real moment. This is a bad dream, and any second now, I’ll wake up, sweating and grateful that real life isn’t this terrifying. Except… Nathan is still here. And he’s waiting for an answer. I feel like Anxiety has decided it’s time to run a marathon and call everyone in there to run with her too. My pulse is skyrocketing, I’m gripping the arm rest next to me. We weren’t supposed to be having a conversation about this right now.

Granted, I should’ve told him a long time ago. But I didn’t want to ruin our friendship… or the potential for somethingmorein the future. You know, the one I could have if I could just stop being a dang coward. My brain and heart fog were very much in play. Not that any of that is an excuse. It’s just the truth.

But how do I explain this to him? No wonder he was off with me yesterday. I sigh. The service has already started and this is definitely not the time to talk about it. No one likes hearing people talk quietly when everyone else is listening. But apparently, we’re talking about it now. So, I whip my phone out to text him.

Me: Honestly, I haven’t been sure about him this entire time. That’s why I haven’t said anything. If I was sure about him and the future, I would’ve told you.

I decide I’m going to be bold. I’ve been a coward so far, but something about Nathan inspires courage and boldness in me. My fingers start typing, and before I can overthink it, I hit send.

Me: I have to ask. Are you asking this because you like me?

My hands start to shake and my heart is starting to pound so hard I think everyone can hear it?—

Nathan: Yes

He looks over at me, as he types, and I’m trying to look forward to not look like I’m overly distracted. But inside? Inside everything is going berserk. My grip on the armrest tightens, and my pulse is in my throat. No one has ever been this direct with me before. No games. No reading between the lines. Just—yes.

Nathan: I thought I had made it obvious.

Wow. I have never had a man be so upfront with me before. Normally, they play it cool, they flirt, but they never tell me they like me in such an upfront way. This is so refreshing. I don’t even know where to go from here, my mind is starting to become a mess. It’s like a rubber band ball and I don’t even know how to start picking off the rubber bands.

Me: I’ve been wanting to break up with him, and I haven’t done it yet because I’ve been nervous and making decisions that invite conflict or hurting someone takes me a while. I’ve never been sure about him.

My heart is going so crazy, I feel like soon my entire body is going to be jittery. I’m so on edge with this conversation.

Nathan: I like you, Nataly. But I can’t pursue you if you’re still with him. I can’t be talking to you until things are over between the two of you.

My heart sinks. This was inevitable. Of course something had to be done. I couldn’t just expect to keep brushing everything under the rug, even if I’ve been planning tobreak up with Joel. Ending things with Joel isn’t just about breaking up. It’s about stepping into the unknown. About admitting that I’ve been stalling. And once I say the words out loud, I can’t unsay them. There’s no safety net. No going back.

I get why people do it over text now. It’s easy. Who wants to take the hard way out? But I never liked it when guys just told me over text. Why couldn’t they just tell it to my face? So I will do the same with Joel.

I don’t want to do this. But I have to. And everything—absolutely everything—is about to change.

16

Nataly

Nathan had to duck out of the service early to help a guest for the last time tonight. My heart was feeling a little raw after our earlier conversation.

Joel isn’t around for a little while but I’m going to have to muster up the courage to break up with him.

I’ve never had to be the one to break up with someone. Unfortunately, I’ve always been the dumpee. Which is embarrassing enough, but somehow, I still walked away feeling like I’d won. I’ve always felt like I held the upper hand in my previous break-ups—it was always about what I wouldn’t give them. So, they didn’t deserve it. I’m the one girl they didn’t get, and I’m happy about that. But now, I’m having to be in charge of the dumping.

This is weird and way out of my comfort zone. And I haven’t had many opportunities to venture out of my comfort zone in life. London is proving itself to be my unofficial ‘let’s get you out into life’ friend as it pushes me into adventureand conflict.

There’s a church hang out down in Covent Garden tonight, and my friend Danielle had to get going, but Joy texted and said she was around church. I figured it would be a great time to join Joy, even just for an hour or two so I don’t have to go home and stay in my dorm room staring at the ceiling overthinking my decisions andlack ofdecisions in life. And maybe even to chat about it all with someone. I haven’t even told my mom or anyone else about my dilemma because my guilt has been too prevalent.

I see Joy standing over by the door.

“Hey girl!” I call to her as I walk up.

She looks up from her phone and puts it into her pocket.

---