Page 71 of London, Love, & A Little Something Irish

“You’re laughing?” he asks, as his brow furrows.

“I’ve been feeling guilty about breaking up with you this entire time and meanwhile you had hooked up with some girl in California!” I say, still catching my breath. “I feel great now, absolutely relieved. Thanks for that.” I smile. Here I was, feeling absolutely awful about potentially developing feelings for another guy when he was busy putting his lips on another girl. I had agonized over moving on. Over how it would look. Over whether I’d hurt him. But now? Now, I feel… free.

But Joel still looks confused.

“I don’t understand. I’ve been feeling so guilty about this for ages. And you’re… okay?” He looks at me as if he’s still not believing it, like he’s wary that I might just turn on him at any second.

And all this time, I had been carrying the guilt like a stone in my chest when he was the one who let go first. Why didn’t he tell me when I asked? Why let me believe I was the bad guy?

“Honestly, Joel, I actually think it’s great that you’ve given me relief about this breakup. I just maybe don’t get why you’ve beenpursuing me after we broke up. Or why you didn’t break up with me after you did that?”

He looks genuinely remorseful. “Because you’re awesome, Nataly. I wanted it to work. I really did. But something between us just never... clicked, I guess. I hoped it would. And I guess I thought you deserved to know. The guilt had been eating me up.”

I nod slowly. “We were never right for each other, and I think deep down, we both knew that. If you’d been in love with me, that kiss wouldn’t have happened. So really... thank you. Because now I know I’m free to live my life. And I’m good with that.”

And I actually am. Will I maybe have to process this later? Yeah, maybe. Being cheated on might come with its own heartbreak later. A mourning of the fact that I wasn’t valued enough. But right now, I feel just fine. I didn’t want to be seen as bouncing into another relationship. I didn’t want to be that girl. But in this moment, all I feel is a release.

Because I’m not the girl who moved on too fast. I’m not rebounding. I’m stepping into something that was actually meant for me. Nathan values me. He champions me. He makes me feel like I’m the only girl in the world.

He nods, though he still looks shocked at my reaction.

“What about Nathan, then?”

“What about him?” I ask.

“Do you think he could… be the one?” He asks with a small smile.

“I do, actually,” I smile back.

I don’t think he’s totally happy with my answer, but I think he’s trying to move on gracefully. I respect that.

Joel gave me closure. But Nathan? He gives me belonging.

We finish our drinks and go our separate ways. We even talked about how to keep things civil at church if we ever bumped into each other. It might still be a little awkward—that’s just how it goes with exes. But I walked away from that conversation feeling something I hadn’t felt in a longtime.

Freedom.

A few months ago, I would’ve avoided this conversation. I’d have smiled and nodded and carried the guilt like it was mine to bear. But not now. I know what I want and I know what I’m worth.

I feel like I’ve made the best possible decision. Like I’ve stepped into adulthood, pulled on my big girl pants, and conquered fears. There will be more challenges to come. I know that. But I also know I have someone beside me who pushes me out of my comfort zone, and stands with me while I find my way.

I just hope we get to do this as a forever thing.

27

Nathan

It’s been a few weeks since I asked Nataly to be my girlfriend. We kept it off socials for a little while, just telling close friends and family. But now, everyone knows.

Nataly made it ‘Instagram official’ (which is presumably the new Facebook official) at a wedding we attended together recently.

At the wedding, when the bride was about to throw the bouquet, I noticed Nataly slinking back, not really going for it like I would’ve thought she would.

“You should go, Nat,” I grinned over at her.

Her eyes widened. “I don’t want to look overeager.”

I winked at her. “You won’t.”

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