Page 34 of Lost Lyrics

“I know you would’ve. But I didn’t want you to. You needed to start your life with Slip. You needed each other. You’ve taken care of me for so long, I didn’t want to be a burden anymore. I knew I didn’t have much time left, and I wanted to spend it with Bridget. You didn’t need to see me go downhill anymore.”

Was that selfish or selfless? I couldn’t think straight. “But you were fine on our calls. You looked well.” I hated I hadn’t seen her in person for months. She’d always been away whenever I’d been in town. Had that been a lie, too? Knowing my mother...yes.

“I only called you when I felt strong enough to do so.” She sucked in a wheezy breath. “I put on makeup to cover my blemishes.”Raspy cough.“Took meds or oxygen beforehand to disguise my failing health.”Hard swallow.“We never chatted for long. I was just too weak and in pain.” She winced and wriggled on the bed, gasped for air, then coughed, phlegmy and loud.

My chest ached just watching her.

“Hi, Valerie.” Slip came to stand beside me. “How youfeeling?”

“Like shit.” She smirked.

Ever since Slip and I had gotten back together after his stint in rehab, renewed our vows, and decided to spend time in Canada, she’d been nice to him again. She’d made him promise to take care of me. That would’ve had a whole new level of weight to it if she’d known she didn’t have long.Fuck!

“Are you in pain?” Slip eyed all the equipment on the other side of the bed. The IV, heart-rate monitor, and other machines I’d never seen before, all with screens displaying numbers and flashing with lights. None of it made any sense to me, but none of it looked good.

Mom squeezed my hand tight. Her chest heaved, but panic flashed in her eyes like inhaling air was impossible. She gasped and wheezed and coughed. I rubbed her hand as tears tumbled from the rims of my eyes.

After a few weak breaths, Mom sank against the pillow as if exhausted. “The pain is tolerable thanks to the morphine and whatever else they are pumping into me. But everything hurts when I cough.”

“Mom?” I struggled to form words. “The doctor said days. Is that right?”

She closed her eyes. A lone tear escaped and slid down her temple. She nodded. “All my organs are failing. Too far gone for treatment or surgery.”

I clenched my jaw until my teeth hurt. Anger spiked through my veins. Mom had refused so many treatments over the years. Refused to change her lifestyle. It was like she’d wanted to die. And I hated that. Hated that she could’ve had such a happy, healthy long life, but chose to destroy her body instead. “You could’ve avoided this. You could be enjoying life. Not lying here, dying.”

“Madison. Baby girl.” She touched my hand with the weakestof soft taps. “Don’t cry. It’s okay.”

“It’s not okay.”

“It is.” She slumped deeper into the pillows. “I didn’t realize how much my depression affected you, or how much I’d burdened you with my illness and hurt you with my inability to get better until you met Slip.” The faintest of twinkles glittered in her eyes as she glanced at him, then turned back to me. “You changed the moment you met him. I saw how happy he made you. I was jealous at first, but then, I didn’t want to stop you from living your life anymore. I knew before my lung operation my liver was failing, my kidneys were weak, and my lungs were too damaged. The surgery was only a temporary fix. The doctor gave me twelve months. I’ve gotten ten.”

Oh no.My heart shuddered. I sobbed, wiped my tears away on the back of my hand, and turned to Bridget. My shoulders slumped. “Why didn’t you say anything?”

She stepped in beside Mom on the other side of the bed. “Because I love her and respected her dying wishes. What I did was part of her palliative care agreement. What she requested.”

Mom’s eyes closed, and she seemed to drift off into sleep. I shuddered and turned into Slip’s embrace.

Bridget leaned over and kissed Mom’s forehead. Then she wiped her own cheeks, straightened, and put on a brave face. “She comes in and out of awareness. But over the next few days, those moments of being awake will become less frequent as her body shuts down. She can’t eat. Her body can’t absorb any nutrition. Her lungs are beyond damaged.” Bridget’s voice never faltered. Never broke. I didn’t know how anyone, medical professional or not, could remain calm when someone they’d loved and cared for was so ill.

I collapsed against Slip’s chest. He just held me, rubbed my back, and let me cry.

“Maddy?” Bridget sniffled but remained strong. Love andcare for my mom welled in her eyes. “The next time she comes ’round, I’d say your goodbyes. She was good just now. I think she’s been holding on to see you. She’d only let me call you home when the doctor said it was time.” How Bridget remained so stoic, I’d never know. I was a complete mess.

How could I say goodbye to my mom? Someone who had frustrated me, angered me, used me, and lied to me all my life. She’d abused strong pills to control her depression. She’d popped addictive meds to manage her deteriorating lupus condition and pain. She’d become a functioning alcoholic and never listened to me or any doctor. But I loved her. I’d loved taking her shopping, out to lunch, to dinner, and to events for work...before I’d met Slip. She’d been my excuse to come home to LA.

What was I going to do without her?

I closed my eyes and curled deeper into Slip’s chest.

Slip’s touch, his hands circling my back, and his steady heartbeat calmed me. I had to be grateful for the good times I’d had with Mom. I was blessed she’d helped me pursue my acting career and taught me to be independent. I had to be at peace with the fact that soon she’d no longer be suffering. After twelve years of taking care of her, I’d be finally free of those responsibilities. But that hurt my ribs. Crushed my heart. I’d do anything to have her stay, be healthy, be here. Be my mom.

“Are you okay?” Slip asked Bridget.

She nodded. “It’s hard. I really love her, so it hurts to watch her suffer and fade away.”

“How long has she been really bad?” he asked.

“Since Christmas. The couple times you came to LA, she insisted we go away somewhere so you couldn’t see her.” Tears pooled again in Bridget’s eyes, but none fell. “Maddy, Val loves you, and she wanted to make sure you had someone in your life who’d love you just as much as she did.”

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