Page 51 of Heal Me

Idid this.

My chest shakes as regret is about to get the better of me.

Grabbing Lavinia by the arms, I hold her out and aim my gaze straight at her. “He’ll pay for this. Dax will pay. So will Zoltan. Anyone who ever hurt you will pay dearly. I promise you this.”

***

After holding Lavinia for a long time and putting the straitjacket on her, I go to Dax’s girl’s cell. As expected, he has reset the biometric scanner. I’m not sure what I’m going to do to her once I get to her—because at some point, I will. But right now, I don’t need to know. I’ll enjoy making plans while biding my time. I can be patient when I want something enough. And I’ve never wanted anything as much as I want to get back at Dax for taking Lavinia’s voice.

A stab of loss has me halting in my steps as I realize I’m never going to hear her sing again. My chest tightens, and the world draws in. I’m about to have a goddamn panic attack again.

Refusing to succumb to that helplessness, I let my fury steer me on. I trudge to Dax’s office, slam the door open, and bark, “What the fuck did you do?”

“What she had coming,” he says with a calmness that is mostly fake, judging by the way he reaches for the gun in his waistband.Fucking coward, doesn’t dare to take me on with his bare hands.

“You’ve fucking destroyed her.Mygirl!” I growl, tightening all my muscles to avoid going straight at him and risking getting shot. If it wasn’t because Lavinia needs me now more than ever, I wouldn’t care.

“She cut what belongs to me, so I cut something of hers. Eye for an eye and all that. You grew up catholic, right? So you’ll understand.”

And I killed the fucker who preached those words.I slam my fist into the cabinet beside the door, making a dent in the metal. “You won’t see it coming, Dax.” I’ll fucking kill both him and his girl. I’ll do her first, making him suffer for a while before I take him out. “You won’t see it, but I promise you’ll regret it.”

I barge out again, slamming the door behind me. I itch to go back to Lavinia and hold her in my arms, but I’m afraid my furious energy will only scare her. There’s no way to keep it hidden right now. So I do the only thing that makes sense with this fury raging inside me. I go upstairs, get Rex, and run into the woods.

I have no idea how long we spend among the trees and the mountains, running endlessly. Dawn is breaking when we get back, and I’m exhausted. I just want to collapse on my bed and sleep. But more so, I need to check on Lavinia.

She’s still lying stiffly on her back, staring at the ceiling, looking dead.

Even knowing there’s no way she can have taken her own life, I rush to her and check her pulse. The relief I find at the slow beat barely does anything to relieve the pressure bearing down on my chest, though. I can’t remember ever being this scared, not even when my father held a broken bottle to my neck for the first time and I felt the warm trail of blood as the sharp spears penetrated my skin.

“Lavinia, please look at me.” I wrap her head in my hands. “Just look at me.”

No reaction.

I try a few more times, shaking her gently, begging her to watch me, but her eyes remain dead, her body unmoving.

With a heavy sigh, I give up, lift her up to sit, and take the straitjacket off her. I position her in front of me, draping an arm around her waist to hold her in place as I scoop up a spoonful of the good beef stew only the trainers and guards get.

“You need to eat,” I tell her, holding the spoon to her mouth. But no matter how much I press and prod, she won’t open. Finally, I give this up too and move down to lie on the mattress with her in my arms.

She’s stiff and barely moving, but as I trail my fingers across her skin, rock her gently, and whisper soothing words, she loosens up. At first, it’s only small twitches and shuddery breaths, then her chest starts shaking, and finally, the tears let loose. Raw, voiceless sobs form in her throat. The soundlessness only seems to intensify her grief to the point where she’s jerking with the force of her sobs and her breaths come in small, shallow gasps.

“Look at me.” I turn her around and grab her face between my hands. “Look at me, Lavinia.”

Her eyes remain empty and unfocused, the seeping tears the only life. Nothing helps as I shake her, slap her softly, and keep urging her to look at me. It’s like she’s gone. Her eyes go cloudy as she keeps hyperventilating, and helplessness becomes a sickening twisting in my gut. I almost can’t breathe as I keep watching her—the girl I want more than anything, but can’t have. Coming back here, I felt hope for the future. I had no idea how things would work out—me with a girl—but it seemed right. Suddenly, I could see what I had been blind to ever since the first time I saw her. Ineedher.

But fate never was kind to me. Or maybe I’m the one killing it with my darkness like I do with everything. It doesn’t matter. It’s too late. Lavinia is gone, and as I look into those dead eyes again, I think I might not ever get her back.

33

DORIN

I spend the next few days watching over Lavinia, trying to get her to focus on me, eat, and drink. But nothing helps. She’s gone—dissociated or whatever the fuck it’s called. When I hold her, she’ll give in. Her muscles loosen and she lets her grief flow freely. It seems like a good sign, but everything else is stagnant. She won’t even squeeze my hand when I hold it or lean into me like she used to when I wrap her in my arms. She doesn’t even try to beg me to take her life.

I manage to get her to drink from a straw, but when I try to feed her something more solid, she doesn’t respond. I try to force her mouth open and shove the food inside, but she just sits there, not even chewing. Her lack of response scares the shit out of me, and I curse Dax vehemently when I research feeding tubes and find out there’s no way for me to insert one without his medical expertise. I’m not letting him near her for anything in the world.

I consider bringing in a doctor from somewhere else. We have a few clients who are hot-shot surgeons. Having one of them fly in and drive all the way out here would cost a fortune, but that’s not what’s stopping me. It’s the realization that I need to give her what she’s been begging for all along.

Death.

---