Page 55 of Heal Me

It doesn’t really matter. I join Rex at the bedroom door as Mikhail brings the girl inside, a small sliver of hope growing in me as she sinks to her knees beside the bed and strokes Lavinia’s cheek.

My chest tightens as I watch Lavinia’s unmoving frame. My hope is dwindling with each stagnant day, and I feel goddamned helpless. Ihateit. The chaos in my mind is getting louder by the day. For now, I manage by taking it out on Zoltan. So far, I’ve pulled off all his nails, cut off all fingers on one hand, shoved various toys up his ass, and pissed on him daily. I considered cutting off his tongue, but right now, I enjoy all his pathetic pleas and hearing him call out for his momma—hearing just how helpless he is. It makes me feel less powerless. But then I come back up here and find Lavinia in the same place I left her, andthat toxic feeling slithers back in. All I want to do is lie down behind her and hold her, but I don’t dare to touch her. I’m afraid of making her worse. It’s probably ridiculous since she sank into me when I held her before I took her up here, but I seem to be as stuck as her.

Dax’s girl makes herself comfortable on the floor beside the bed, stroking Lavinia continuously as she speaks in soft tones.

“I’m Emma, by the way,” she says after talking about how Dax brought her into the forest the other day and seeing the forest lake. “I’m so happy I get to talk to you now. You have no idea how much it meant to me, hearing your words and your voi—” she stops herself from mentioning Lavinia’s voice, her face falling. “I’m so incredibly sorry for what happened to you. I can’t even begin to—He shouldn’t—” Once again, she stops herself, her features filling with conflicting emotions. “I’ve lost a lot in this place too, but despite it all, I’ve somehow found a way to be…” She stares at a tattoo on her lower arm, and a small smile tugs at her lips. “Happy.” She returns her attention to Lavinia, splaying her hand over her cheek. “You’ll find a way to do the same.”

I nearly gasp as Lavinia draws up her shoulders. I can’t see her face, but the way Dax’s girl leans in and focuses her eyes on Lavinia tells me she’s gained eye contact. I almost don’t believe it. I’m about to go in there to see for myself, but Mikhail, who’s standing close to the door, holds up a hand to stop me.

Anger flares inside me but drowns in a rush of hope as the girl places a hand in Lavinia’s open palm and Lavinia actually folds her fingers around it.

“You have Dorin. I don’t know him, but”—she casts a tentative glance at me—“I can tell he cares so much about you. He will take care of you. Do you remember when you thought this was a… mental hospital? You said that the methods worked, even though they shouldn’t.”

Lavinia’s head moves with a small nod.

“Maybe it can work again.”

Lavinia doesn’t seem to respond, and the room goes quiet for a while.

Dax’s girl turns her head to look at the window. “The view is really beautiful here. Have you seen it? I mean, up close—not just from the bed.”

Lavinia responds with a tiny head shake.

“You should. It’s really peaceful. Whenever I feel uncertain and Dax isn’t there, I go to the window to watch the mountains and the treetops.” She moves up on her haunches and places her open hand on the bed for Lavinia to take. “Can I show you?”

My heart pounds as I wait for Lavinia’s reaction. This feels like a crucial moment that will define her future—my future.Will she stay down or get up?

Rex stands at full attention, giving a short mewl as if he senses the importance too. I rest my hand on his head, to soothe both him and myself.

My heart skips a beat when Lavinia places her hand in Emma’s. I nearly double over as a hefty weight falls off my chest. It’s like watching a mirage as Lavinia slowly moves up to sit and the girl at her side drapes a blanket over her shoulders and helps her to her feet.

It takes all my self-control to remain rooted to the spot as Lavinia moves toward the window with slow, staggered steps. I want to go to her, wrap my arm around her waist, and grab her small hand in mine as I lead the way. Make sure she doesn’t fall. Protect her. Watching someone else do it is almost painful. Seeing someone else break her out of her numbness is painful.

But then again, I guess I only have myself to blame. I haven’t tried much, too scared to do more damage. I’ve even carried her to and from the bathroom instead of insisting on her walkingherself. I’m the one to blame for her almost stumbling on her weak legs as she slowly makes her way to the window.

Rex looks up at me with something that almost feels like a reproach, and I snap out of the self-blame. It’s no use. Lavinia can’t do shit with it. So I watch instead, taking mental notes of what is working and hoping it will too when I’m the one doing it.

36

LAVINIA

Everything seems to stop as I grab onto the window sill and gaze outside. But it’s not in that numb way that shuts my system down. It’s more like a swoosh that rips through me, so strong that nothing else works as the energy breathes life into my dead muscles and closed-off brain.

The girl at my side—my friend, Emma—leans in to open the window. A gush of fresh air brings me the scent of pine and damp earth. I’ve felt it from the bed—seen the sky and the treetops—but it doesn’t compare to being this close, tasting it and seeing the whole view. Trees cover the ground below us, sloping with the terrain, and mountains rise in the distance. The sun stands bright and round in the sky, casting its glowing light upon the landscape, and birds chirp a cheery sound. I want to join them—sing an old folk tune to the forest, which my mother taught me, and let my voice soar into the open.

I’ll never be able to sing again.

The thought sends a sharp contraction into my muscles, making me gasp, and my throat closes as grief overcomes me. I turn from the window, wanting to go back to the bed and let the numbness swallow me up again. Anything beyond that emptiness hurts too much. The world is already closing in, panic gripping my lungs, claustrophobia squeezing tight as I can’t get a word out.

Careful hands grab my arms. “I’m here for you,” a soft voice says.

Facing Emma, I lift a finger to my throat and shake my head in utter defeat.I can’t sing.

“I know,” Emma says, voice full of regret. “I know. I’m so, so sorry.”

Tears well in my eyes, and my legs start shaking. I dig my fingers into her arms, seeking purchase as the ground is about to fall away beneath me.

Casting my gaze to the side, I meet Dorin’s fierce, concerned expression, and that’s when everything crumbles. Longing cuts through my insides as I remember how I lost him too—how he left me. My legs cave in as a soundless sob tears through my throat, and I collapse.

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