Page 61 of Heal Me

I don’t know how long I sit there. At some point, I start shaking, the pained groans behind me go quiet, and then the shaking fades again.

Finally, I lift my head to look at Dorin.

Brushing his fingers over my forehead, he moves my hair from my sweaty face.

“Do you want me to end him now or let him suffer more? I might be able to keep him alive a while longer with antibiotics.”

I stare into the distance as I consider. The hateful part of me that has my blood pulsing, craving eternal vengeance, wants to prolong the suffering. But there’s nothing peaceful in revenge, and what I crave more than anything else is peace.

Leaning my head on his shoulder, I consider for a moment. I’m exhausted. Spent. Done.

I’m done.

Certainty is firm in my hand as I face Dorin and make a slicing motion across my throat.

Dorin gets up, holding a hand against my back as I move into a more stable position, then closes the distance to the mattress with four long strides. Zoltan seems to wake from whatever unconscious state he was in as Dorin grabs his head, and a raw wail bounces off the barren walls just before Dorin twists his head around in a rapid movement that gives a loud crack, then leaves the room in silence. The echo dies out, and I stare at Zoltan’s limp body, shock and horror warring to get the upper hand. But as my eyes flit away from the man who was my worst nightmare, to the one who is my savior, another feeling wins out.Relief. All-consuming, overwhelming relief.

I draw a long, freeing sigh and smile at Dorin. It’s a careful smile, but it’s there.Thank you,I mouth. Finally, I’m free. For the first time since I lost everything, I can see real hope ahead of me.

39

DORIN

“Do you still want me to kill you?” I ask Lavinia in the evening after I’ve bathed her, held her, and fed her. I’m not sure this is the right time to ask, but I need to know.

I’ve given this a lot of thought and have decided. If she wants me to take her out, I’ll do it. But I won’t break her neck like I usually do. I won’t let her go alone. With her, I’ve found a strength that will allow me to do what I’ve wanted to do so many times throughout my life—what I no longer want as long as I have her. I’ll get us enough tranquilizer to kill a horse. I’ll put it in the sweetest wine I can get, pour each of us a glass, drink it together, then take her to bed and hold her. She’ll pass away in my arms, and I’ll slip away from this world along with her.

But as much as I’ve come to terms with this idea, accepting that I’ll grant her a way out if that’s what she wants, I dearly hope she’ll choose another way. To stay with me.

Time stops as she stares off into the distance. Everything inside me teeters, getting ready to break. When she turns her head to me, my heart is lodged in my throat along with a thick lump of grief. But then she shakes her head.

I just watch her for a moment, stunned. Unable to believe what I’m seeing.

At my shocked silence, she grabs both my hands and looks deep into my eyes as she makes several unmistakable shakes ofher head. Then she presses her hand against my heart, and I damn near break into tears.

She wants to stay. With me.

“Are you sure?” I say, still not able to believe. “I’ll set you free if that’s what you want. I’ll do it for you.”

She presses her hand harder to my chest as her lips move.You,she mouths.I want you.

Relief bursts through me with a force that sends my whole damn system reeling. But in the wake of the relief comes a thought I haven’t even considered. I’ve been so sure she’d choose death that I couldn’t imagine any other outcome.

My heart pounds as I say, “I can’t release you into the world. If you stay, you stay with me. I’m not ever letting you go. I can’t do it.” The idea of someone else claiming her has a surge of rage burning through my veins, making me open and close my fists with barely restrained violence.

Her face remains calm. Accepting. Her hand stays in place over my pounding heart.

“I’m not a good man. I don’t deserve you. I’m selfish and I’m cruel. I won’t be cruel to you, but I can’t change who I am. I can’t leave this place. This is where I belong.”

She holds her hand up, making a writing motion.

I reach out for the notepad and pen on the bedside table and hand it to her.

Holding my breath, I wait as she writes. It only takes two seconds before she holds the pad up to me and I read the words.

Me too.

I just stare at her as she turns the paper to write more words. This time, it takes a little longer as she scribbles down several lines.

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