Page 129 of First Chance

“The effects of amputation in adult animals and their chances of thriving in the wild with prosthetics.”

“I didn’t know you were writing about the bears.”

“Not just the bears, but I do highlight them. I didn’t want you to be mad.”

“Why would I be mad?”

“I didn’t want you to think I was exploiting them.”

“I’m sorry I’ve been such a hard ass.” He shakes his head regretfully. “I’ve really dug a hole when it comes to you.”

“You have a lot of responsibilities. You don’t need to worry about my feelings.”

“But, I do. And, I hate myself for every time I’ve made you sad.”

“I’ve figured you out by now, Lochlan. The thing that saddens me the most is how you treat yourself.”

Chapter Forty-Seven

Lochlan

The thing that saddens me the most is how you treat yourself.

I haven’t stopped hearing her voice say those words all night. I’ve been so caught up in my self-loathing all summer that I never thought to ask her what her Master’s thesis was about…

Not that I even knew what that meant until this afternoon, as someone who didn’t get to graduate from high school and earned their GED in prison.

Jo steps out of the guesthouse, and I tip the rest of my drink into my mouth, accepting the burn of it down my throat. She tiptoes up the porch steps to where I’m sitting in my usual rocking chair and stops a few feet from me.

Unlike last night, which feels like a lifetime ago, she’s wearing a silk nightgown under the silk robe. Fully clothed but dangerously tempting.

“Jackson texted me. He wanted me to let you know that Randall Porter has an alibi for all the incidents here. He’s going to keep looking into it, though.”

“My gut’s still telling me he isn’t innocent.”

“I believe your gut, too.” She looks at me thoughtfully, sweetly, but filled with uncertainty. All because of me.

I pat my knee, reaching out and pulling her to my lap without any resistance. She curls into me and lets me rock her while I struggle to gather the words to voice my thoughts.

No matter how much time I have, it never seems like enough to express how I feel in the right way. But she deserves more than my silence.

“I’m sorry for using our fake engagement to try to sway you earlier.” She twists my grandmother’s ring off her finger before I can speak. “It wasn’t fair when you’ve been firm in your boundaries.”

She tries to hand it to me, but I stop her, wrapping my fingers around hers.

“I told my mother that I’m done with the events and I’m done with her and my father. I don’t need a safety net anymore,” she whispers.

“Keep it until after your birthday, until you’re sure you won’t need it. It’ll make me feel better.”

She smiles softly and slips it back onto her ring finger. “I turn in my paper next week, and then that’s it. I’m officially a Master’s graduate.”

“No cap and gown?”

“No, not when you finish your credits in the summer. I could come back and walk in the winter commencement this December, but I don’t see the point.”

“Why not?”

“I’d only be walking for myself, I wouldn’t have any family in attendance.”

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