Page 57 of First Chance

I peek at her from the corner of my eye, and she’s staring out the passenger side window, deep in thought.

“I’ve never been so close to a man.Ever,” she finally admits.

I slam on the brakes harder than necessary at the red light, making us both jerk against our seat belts. “What?”

“I don’t want to talk about it. I just needed you to know that I didn’t freak out because of anything you did. I got overwhelmed. It was all me.”

She did not just tell me she’s never been with a man. I heard it wrong. There’s no way.

“You’ve never had a boyfriend?” I can’t hide the disbelief from leaving my mouth and sounding like an accusation.

“Been engaged twice against my will. No boyfriends allowed, though.” She scoffs. “By the time I got to college, I was so inexperienced around boys that I didn’t even try. I imagined that prince charming would come along and erase the awkwardness of it for me.”

“I’m sorry.”

“My mother convinced me that I had to look a certain way, act a certain way, to appeal to the male gaze. She ensured I looked like the ideal woman, suitable for marriage, but it was never for my own good. It was to secure a future connection to whoever I ended up marrying.

“I needed to save myself for marriage, but I didn’t get any say on who the marriage was to. I needed to be able toimpress my future husband but don’t act flirtatious because they’ll think you’re slutty,” she rambles on, firing herself up.

“God forbid I find someone who would actually want me for me. Not someone who wanted to up their political career. God forbid I find someone to give myself to who actually loves me,” her voice fizzles out.

“You’re young. You still have time.”

She shakes her head. “No one has ever been able to see me for me. They see me for my father’s connections, his money, my looks, or my brother’s career ambitions. I’m just a pawn. I’ll never be enough for anyone. I can only hope one day I’ll find a guy who might actually fall in love withme,” she states hopefully. I scoff from deep in my chest and her eyes turn to slits. “What?”

“That’s stupid.”

“Why?” She asks in offense.

“Because any man who spends a little time in your presence will fall in love with you, darlin’.”

Her sad eyes twinkle brightly for a moment before she blinks it away. “It’s not that simple.”

“Why not?”

“Men want a family, and I can’t have children.”

If I weren’t already parking in front of the house, I would have slammed on the brakes again. “What?”

“I found out just after I turned 19. Premature ovarian failure. My doctor said if they had caught it sooner, they might have been able to do an egg retrieval, but… No one knows. Except you, now. I made sure my parents didn’t see my medical bills. They thought I went into surgery to remove a cyst.” She rolls her eyes as she wipes a tear from her cheek.

“They didn’t even bother driving me to or home from thesurgery center.”

“Why didn’t you want to tell them?”

“Because then they’d see me as damaged goods, and it’d be one more reason for them to look down on me. To them, I’ll be useless if I can’t have children.”

“Jo…” Now I can imagine why Emory’s story hit her so hard.

It’s not fair that some of the worst people on the planet can reproduce, but a light like Jo can’t physically have children if she wants them.

* * *

“Maybe you should slow down.” I cringe slightly as she tips the second bottle of wine into her mouth. She started drinking from a glass, but apparently it wasn’t efficient enough.

She said she needed a drink, and I convinced her to come inside because I didn’t want her to be alone. Now, I’m worried she’ll pass out.

“I mean, what’s so wrong with me? Am I so terrible?”

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