Page 100 of Maybe We Can Fake It

“How?” I say irritably. Because what the fuck.

“Oh, shit! Damn, no.” He shakes his head. “I’m sorry. Fuck! I did to you exactly what I don’t want people doing to me. You caught me off guard, that’s all. I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine,” I tell him.

“No, it’s not. I hate how everyone has always just assumed things about me, but I did the same with you.”

I shrug, because whatever. I told him. I told somebody. And if I have to come out to the whole damn town, I need to expect this kind of shock and disbelief, at the very least. There are worse reactions, aren’t there?

But am I really thinking about coming out?

“How long have you known?” he asks after a minute.

“A long time.”

“Does anyone else know?”

“Only... someone,” I say.

He studies me carefully, and I’d sort of prefer if he just buried me in the dirt like his crops so I could hide. “Uh, huh,” he says. “And I take it this someone is who’s got you distracted enough to run all the way out here?”

“Maybe,” I admit. Then I realize what’s really been nagging at my brain this whole time. The reason I just came out to him. “I’m worried that me being in the closet is going to ruin what I’ve started with this guy. Who wants to be in their thirties and having to hide a relationship? We’re fucking adults. I should be able to take him out in public. I want to show him off, I want everyone to know he’s mine and they can’t touch him. We should be able to move in together when the time comes. But it’ll never come if I can’t even do something as simple as introduce him to my dad.”

“Woah,” Connor says when I’m finally finished.

I think that might be the most I’ve ever spoken to him at one time. And I didn’t entirely mean to say all of it. It just came out. Because it’s the damn truth, and if I don’t want to lose Brenden, I need to face it.

It’s very possible that this is what caused him to pull away from me this morning. And I refuse to lose him. So maybe...

“Have you come out to your family yet?” I ask.

“My parents,” Connor says. “I haven’t figured out how to explain it to Mason yet, and I don’t plan to make a big declaration to the town or anything. But I’m not going to worry too much about hiding it either. My parents were super chill about it. They were surprised, but they said it could never change how much they love me.”

I try to imagine myself getting that reaction from my dad, but I can’t. Because even if I’m wrong, and he’s not homophobic at all, he and I don’t really talk about how much we love each other like that. Neither one of us is good at that stuff.

“Are you worried about coming out to your dad?” Connor asks, reading my mind.

Reluctantly, I nod.

He frowns. “That’s tough. I don’t think your dad’s a bad guy at all. But obviously I don’t know him like you do, so I don’t want to give you the wrong advice here.”

“It’s complicated. I don’t think he’s a bad guy either. I just also wouldn’t call him progressive or anything.”

“People can change. That’s what progress is. Maybe he’ll learn to see things differently if he finds out about you.”

“Maybe,” I agree.Maybe.

I’ve spent too long with thesewhat ifstaking up space in my head. Maybe I was wrong in assuming that not knowing was better than knowing something terrible. Maybe it’s time I find out what my dad really thinks, and then I can go from there.

Because I want to be with Brenden. I’m so fucking lucky to get the privilege of him looking at me the way he does. Sometimes he looks at me like I’m the greatest thing he’s ever seen.

I need to live up to that.

And when it comes down to it, if my own dad can’t be happy for me when I’ve found someone I care about this much, then that’s his problem.

“I should start running back. I’ve got to be at the diner soon.”

“Let me give you a ride,” Connor says.

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