Page 17 of Maybe We Can Fake It

He nudges my forearm with his elbow. “I think there might be only one way to find out.”

But is it worth it?

“You don’t get it,” I tell him. “It wasn’t only the stuff with Andrew. My dad loves watching sports, right? So when I was younger, I used to like watching them with him. But eventually, I started to notice how he’d get all macho and aggressive about it. When he’d get angry because his team was losing, he’d say all this shit. I don’t remember everything now, but there was one time I heard him refer to some guys that weren’t playing so hot as a bunch of... well, you know.”

Brenden winces. “Yikes.”

“Yeah. Yikes. So.”

“So...?” he prompts.

So I kept my mouth shut, because I was scared of hearing my dad callmea slur.

When I don’t voice my thought out loud, he elbows me gently again. “Hey, it’s okay. I’m glad you’re trusting me with all this, and I hope you know I’m here to listen to anything you want to say. But you can also tell me to stop prying. You don’t owe me anything.”

That’s the thing though. Idon’tfeel like I owe the truth about my sexuality to anyone. But something about Brenden makes me want to open up to him. Want to try, at least. It’s just difficult for me, since I’m so used to not opening up to anyone.

When you spend so long shoving things down inside you, it can take a lot of strength to yank them back up.

He waits a moment as I try to gather that strength, and when all I can give him is a probably hopeless look, he smiles sympathetically. Then he downs the rest of his coffee, pushes his mug to the side, and stands. “I forgot to offer you a drink.”

Going to the fridge, he bends over to reach into it, and I might deserve a medal for not staring at his ass. When he straightens and spins back around, he’s clutching two beer bottles by the necks between his slender fingers. He sets them on the counterwhile he rummages through a drawer, and I see the labels. Sam Adams Cold Snap.

He’s not much of a beer drinker, so it’s a surprise he even has any in his house, but the fact that he hasthismeans he must have gone to a liquor store outside of town. Because the only place to buy beer in Mayweather is the grocery store, and they don’t often stock seasonal varieties of anything, unless it’s pumpkin spice crap in the fall.

I can’t help but wonder if he went out and bought this specifically for me, though I shouldn’t read too much into the idea. He’s always friendly and accommodating. That’s the entire basis of his career, isn’t it?

He finally finds a bottle opener, then struggles to pop the cap off the first bottle. I almost get up to help, but I remain in my seat, because I know he’s capable. He looks proud of himself when he gets it, and then he does the second one more easily.

Returning to the table with a beer in each hand, he passes one to me, and I thank him as he sits back down.

“So you never came out to your dad,” he states, succinctly summing up my story.

I take a long pull from my beer before responding. “Nope. Maybe that makes me a coward, but it didn’t seem worth it, taking the risk of losing him if he reacted badly. I held it in until I went off to college in Boston, and once I was there, I got the chance to explore my preferences. Then I graduated, got a good job in the city, and didn’t plan to move back home. I dated a few guys, but none of my relationships ever got serious enough that I needed to bring them here and introduce them. So it just... never came up.”

And then I moved back here to run the diner, knowing I’d have to sacrifice that piece of myself. Though, at the time, sex and dating were the last things on my mind. I was upset about losing my grandfather and focused on not tanking the business he puthis whole life into. It wasn’t until quite a few years later that putting myself back in the closet started to feel like a sacrifice. But by then, it seemed almost too late to come out to my dad.

Or I was still just a coward.

Stillam.

Brenden’s waiting for more, so I tell him, “It’s not some tragedy. Sometimes I still wonder how my dad would take it, if he’d surprise me. But it doesn’t matter, because I’m not interested in dating anyone anyway. And he doesn’t need to know who I have sex with if it’s just sex.”

His cheeks darken again. I didn’t say anything scandalous, but I know I’ve never talked about my sex life with him before. Whereas he doesn’t hold back in either gushing or whining to me about the guys he dates.

His relationships never manage to last long though. Right when he seems to be getting serious with someone, it falls apart. And I can’t for the life of me figure out why. I mean, who wouldn’t want to be with this man?

Since nobody seems to appreciate him the way he should be appreciated, maybe he’d be better off giving up on dating and simply enjoying the hookup thing like I do.

As soon as that thought crosses my mind, I almost growl. I don’t want to picture a bunch of random, undeserving men getting their hands all over him.

He pushes his empty plate away, making me realize I’ve barely touched my pizza. But I’m not hungry. “There’s nothing wrong with that,” he says. “The uh, sex thing. But also not wanting to come out. Like I said, there’s no rule that you have to.” He pauses, twirling the edge of his beer bottle on the table. “For what it’s worth, though, I don’t think a crappy, ignorant comment your dad made that long ago necessarily has any bearing on how he would feel or what he would say now. If you did tell him.”

“Believe me, I’ve considered that. But I’m pretty comfortable with my life. And what he doesn’t know about me can’t hurt him.” And what I don’t know abouthimcan’t hurtme. The last thing I want is confirmation that he’s not the kind of guy I hope he is.

Brenden reaches out and wraps his hand over mine where I’ve got my bottle in an iron grip.Okay, this is new.His warm touch encourages my muscles to loosen.

“I’m not judging your choice. And I know you don’t normally do feelings and stuff, so I’m gonna drop it. But you said we could talk about you pretending to be my boyfriend, and I don’t see how that’s possible if you’re in the closet.”

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