Page 237 of Lovers' Dance: Vol. 2

“We’ll make a list.” Matt perked up and I squashed my internal groan. These darned lists of his. He nodded, more to himself than me. “A visual marker of all the things we need to work on.”

“If you want.” My less than enthusiastic reply made him laugh again and I soon followed.

The ease between us was natural, it had always been that way regardless of how much we fought. This couldn’t be wrong. The emotions he made me feel…how could this be wrong? I looked at his profile as we sped through the light traffic. He had such nice ears. Chewing my lower lip I pondered our problems. Maybe we just didn’t need to be married. Perhaps that was where we went wrong. I loved him. I was carrying his babies and I loved him.

But could I truly trust him again? Two, five, ten, fifteen years down the line. Would it be enough? Could I ever forget his past callous treatment of me? Would it be smart to let it go and move on? I didn’t want to be foolish about this, but I also didn’t want to live constrained by the past. I had done so for the majority of my life andit was exhausting. Could we really try again without the past fucking up any attempts for a future together?

“Matt, I –oh God!”

The van seemed to have appeared out of nowhere. On an imminent crash course with my side of the car. In the movies time is supposed to slow down when experiencing a near-death situation. The ‘life flashing before your eyes’ sequence is supposed to happen in a clichéd burst of colour.

Time didn’t slow down for me, time simply stopped. I swore in that stillness of time I heard my mother’s voice as clear as if she was right next to me. Then time resumed and Matt was slamming on the brakes while I shut my eyes tight and clutched my stomach. I didn’t want to see it happen, it was better that way. Matt’s left hand was pressed protectively over the top of my stomach as the car screeched to a bone shaking halt and my body jerked forward. Seatbelts were great.

Matt’s ragged breathing was as loud as mine but I kept my eyes closed, unwilling to face whatever had happened. We could all be dead and on our way to the afterlife.Oh please God, that wouldn’t be fair. I heard a click and the sound of him leaning over me. Then I felt Matt’s hands touching me; my tummy, my face, my hands.

“Oh God. Are you ok, poppet? Are you hurt?” he kept asking.

I had lost my voice.

“Look at me, baby,” Matt sounded frantic. “Does it hurt anywhere? Madison, sweetheart, please talk to me.”

Not only had I lost my voice, I was terrified of opening my eyes. In the self-imposed darkness I began to catalogue everything. I was breathing, my heart was beating, and I could feel them which was the most important thing. The tears started building behind my closed eyelids. They were ok. I could feel their little movements inside me. Slowly my eyes opened. Matt’s worried face was the first thing I saw.

“Are you ok? Are they ok?” he asked, cupping my face in his trembling hands.

I nodded quickly and he exhaled in pure relief before resting his forehead against mine. We stayed like that for a few charged moments, sharing an intense look.

Matt kissed the tip of my nose and palmed my protruding stomach for a second then said, “Stay here, I’ll be right back.”

Before I could react, he had jumped out the car and was heading over to the van which had almost crashed into us, and its shaken driver.

“Are you out of your fucking mind?” Matt’s enraged shout could be heard over both running engines. “You almost killed us, you bloody lunatic!”

“I’m sorry, mate.” The man looked ghostly pale. “I-I didn’t-”

“You weren’t paying attention,” Matt had his hand on the van’s door. “My wife’s in that car, mypregnant wife, you arse. I had right of way.”

It appeared as if Matt was about to open the man’s van door and drag him out…at least it looked that way from where I was sat.

“I’m sorry,” the man kept saying.

Matt glanced back at me, whatever he saw on my face had him hurrying back to the car, but not before he flipped two fingers up at the van driver. I had never seen him flip someone off before and that tipped my hyped up emotions over the edge. My mind began to send out short random bursts of thought.

He had called me his wife, not ex-wife. We could have died, all of us. I loved my unborn babies. I loved Matt. I missed my family. I could have been killed. My children could have been killed before they had even been born.

Matt got back in the car and checked my seatbelt was nice and secure before buckling his own.

“I n-need to lie down.” My voice had returned.

Matt grabbed my shaking hands. “Your hands are cold.” He turned on the internal heating on my side and made a violent hand gesture towards the van driver who was now driving off. “It’s not too far,” Matt gingerly eased the car forward and kept a wary eye on the traffic. His driving was almost sedate, well below the speed limit, and I was grateful.

Death had visited me once, that fateful day my parents were killed. Death had passed over me and I had let that experience make me reckless in certain regards. I used to think it was taunting the Reaper, driving without my seatbelt and secretly, insanely, daring Death to have another go. That all stopped when I found out I was pregnant. I didn’t secretly think I deserved to die anymore. I didn’t want to die, in fact, I needed to live forever. How could I bring them into the world and ever leave them again? It was inconceivable andrapidly filling me with terror. What if something happened to me? Who would take care of them? What if something happened to them? What if I couldn’t protect them?

The air was stuck in my throat. I must have made a sound because Matt glanced over then stole a moment to rub my thigh.

“It’s ok, poppet. We’re ok. Take a nice, deep breath.” He flashed me a reassuring smile. “We’ll be home soon.”

I nodded and twisted my head towards the window. Taking my time I inhaled and exhaled, focused only on the rush of air in and out my nostrils. The buildings and trees were a blur, blending into each other as I quietly went to pieces. When we arrived at the house, Matt continued his soothing murmurs as he bundled me through the front door, brushed past an immediately concerned George, and led me upstairs to the master bedroom.

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