Page 22 of Deadly Little Hearts

“Back before all of this started, I’d never touched drugs.Yeah, I knew about them but never had any interest.I had everything I wanted in my life—you and Alec.Even after your father left, I was happy.All I ever wanted was to be a mother, to raise and protect my babies.”She laughs.“And I fucked that up.”

Without thinking twice, I drop my hand to her knee and squeeze.Her eyes fill with tears, and I realize going back to that time isn’t easy for her, but I need to know.And if she’s going to move forward, perhaps talking through her past will be beneficial.

“I remember the night so clearly; it replays in my mind on repeat all the time.We’d just celebrated Alec’s ninth birthday, and you were already eight.I’d put you both to bed, and there was a knock on the door.Nadine stood behind the door with a bottle of wine in her hand and asked to come in.I knew something was off, because Nadine never liked me—she always pretended to, but I saw through her bullshit.Even though we never spoke about it, I knew when she looked at Alec she saw her husband, George.She knew but never said anything to me.I wanted to talk about it and what it meant for Alec, but she’d always blow it off.With Fox blood running through his veins, it meant he’d join The Brotherhood and even run it one day, alongside Lucas, Hazen, and Gage.”

My poor brother.He’d done nothing wrong, except be fathered by the wrong man.Ultimately, Nadine’s concerns about him entering The Brotherhood and taking some of Lucas’s power had gotten him killed.Fire blazes through my body, and I force my fists to unclench.That’s in the past now.

“Nadine was a good mother—hell, maybe too good.She did anything for her kids.She wanted Lucas to rule more than anything else in this world.He was her trophy, her way to get everything she’d ever wanted.”

Mom leans back against the couch, her skin wan against the brown cushions.

“George wasn’t a good man.Like all men in The Brotherhood, he put it above all else.He didn’t have time for Nadine—but me?Somehow, he always made moments for us, even after you were born.And when I was with him ...”Mom laughed, a sad little sound that held no real mirth.“It felt like I was the most special woman in the world.They trick you like that, you see.Make you think you’re more than you are.”

“You’re better than them, Mom.”I smile in sympathy, and she reaches out, covering my hand with her trembling one.

“Didn’t know that then.”She blinks away her tears and continues.“He wanted me, and I didn’t refuse him.The power they hold, Freya, you have no idea.That’s why I don’t want you to get caught up with them.You can still walk away, please.”She looks at me, her eyes filled with tears, her brows drawn together tightly.

I pull my hand back and shuffle over to the other side of the couch, putting some distance between us.This is all new to me, her being so vulnerable, and I’m not ready to be close to her.Shaking my head, I pull my knees up to my chest.

She wipes away her tears and nods.“Anyway, Alec’s birthday.I invited her in, and we sat in our living room for hours drinking and talking about our kids.I needed to go to the bathroom, so I got up and the room started to spin.I held on to the couch for support and Nadine giggled.My head was fuzzy from the alcohol.I couldn’t see straight—everything in the room blurred, and I fell back down onto the couch.The room went dark.The next thing I remember is waking up in a strange room I’d never been in before.Nadine was there, lying next to me in the bed.This happened several more times, and each time, I never knew what’d happened the night before.It was fucked up.She used to remind me what I’d do, and I fucking hated it.”Mom sighs, running her fingers through her hair, pushing it back behind her ears.

Part of me feels sorry for my mother, but the other part remembers everything she put us through, and at the end of the day, she had a choice.She didn’t have to keep seeing Nadine; she could have said no.

“Then, one night, she came over as usual after I put you kids to bed.We were drinking and chatting.I’d come to actually like her company.It was nice having someone to talk to.Sometimes I felt lonely, not having a partner around, and Nadine became a friend.I fucking regret that now, but anyway ...”

She coughs before crossing her legs, leaning farther into the couch.

“My head was starting to become fuzzy, like it always did, and she pulled out a bag of white powder.She didn’t say a word, just emptied it onto the table and created lines with her credit card.She took out a hundred-dollar bill and snorted a line, then passed me the note, and I stared at it for several seconds before I shook my head and told her no way was I touching that.She laughed and told me how much it made your mind clear, how fucking good it felt.So, I gave in and took it.It made me feel like the happiest woman in the world, like I was invincible.The coke wasn’t that bad.I didn’t get addicted to it—not like the heroine.”She pauses and my heart hammers against my chest.Her eyes shut and she just breathes deeply for a few moments.

I remained seated on the couch, unable to move.“We can stop if you want ...”

She shakes her head.“I need to do this.I have to tell you how it all started.”

She grabs her mug from the table and finishes it.

“This went on for weeks.Same thing every night—she’d be at my door at eight.Until, one night, I refused to touch the cocaine.I just wanted to drink.She wasn’t happy but she let it go.After I passed out, I woke up in that strange room again at her place.She was sitting up next to me in bed with a needle in her hand, filling it up.I sat up straight.Everything around me shook.I felt the prick of the needle in my arm, and I tried to push it away, but Nadine told me I’d asked her for this, but I didn’t remember.I still remember the feeling of the liquid hitting my veins.The power coursing through me.Everything in the room came back to me.All the colors around me turned vivid, and all my thoughts turned off.I felt so fucking good, and ever since that moment, I’ve been chasing that high again and again.”Her eyes light up, and I can’t stand the sight.

I jump up off the couch and head straight for the door.

“Freya, wait, please,” she pleads, but I can’t stay and hear her talk about this anymore.I thought I wanted to hear the story, but it’s all too much.Fuck that!

My feet carry me out of the trailer park.Although the sun beats down on my back, I keep walking.I don’t need to hear the rest of her story because I know it—I’ve lived it.Once she was hooked, everything changed.I didn’t see her as much, and when I did, she wasn’t the same.She had this faraway look in her gaze, and no matter how much I cried and begged her to come back, she didn’t.She chose the drugs, and nothing can take away the heartache I felt, and still feel, that she chose them over me.That shit is poison, and once it touched her veins, she transformed into someone I didn’t know.

She’s trying to stay clean, and that’s all I’ve ever wanted—allweever wanted—but it seems too good to be true.Although I want to believe in her, I can’t ignore that we’ve tried this many times over the years, and it always ends up the same.This is the most open she’s been with me, and that’s something I’m not used to.I just hope it means she’s determined to stay clean this time.

I wish more than anything that Alec was here with me.He’d be by my side, helping me through this.He always knew how to best deal with Mom without letting his emotions get the better of him, unlike me.

Without realizing it, I find myself walking over the tracks and into Daringville.The guards don’t stop me, and even if they tried, I’d tell them to fuck off.I’m not in the mood.I need to forget everything for a minute.Maybe I’m just like her, my mom, always chasing a high.Well, damn.

As I get farther past the tracks and into town, cars fly past me and the wind pushes my hair around my face.My phone vibrates against my leg.I pull it out, and Hazen’s name flashes over the screen.I don’t answer.I need to talk to someone who gets it—someone who knows Nadine and my mom, who can help me make sense of it all.The only person I want to talk to hates me, and I don’t blame him.I broke his heart that night, and there’s no going back.

I hit ignore and turn my phone to silent, shoving it back into my jeans pocket.The streets become busier with people.More cars drive by, and I make it to the main street.I find myself a seat on the corner of the block and watch.Men walk around in suits or pressed slacks, and women strut by in fancy dresses.It’s like walking back in time.Mom used to dress me in beautiful dresses, just to go down the street.I remember feeling like a doll.I hated it and never understood why we had to impress everyone.

A young girl around thirteen watches me from across the street.She waves and I wave back.An older lady comes up beside her, looking me up and down before curling her lip back.I cross one leg over the other, the denim rip on my knee more prominent, and the corner of my mouth lifts.

She grabs her daughter’s hand and crosses the road, moving farther away from me.I flip her off, and the daughter catches me and she smiles.Her mother took one look at my ripped jeans and band tee and judged me.She knew I wasn’t from here—but how wrong she is.This was once my home, and I’ve got the leaders of The Brotherhood in my back pocket.I could have her killed for looking at me like that, but I won’t.Fuck her.

A familiar mop of blond hair rushes past me.My fingers grip the corner of the bench, and I sit up straighter.Lucas storms through the street, his head down, avoiding all the people watching him with interest.He reaches his car parked in front of a café and slides in.I find my feet, looking around for a car to jack or an abandoned bike so I can follow him.

---