Page 16 of Behind the Bench

Here I am, trying to do the exact same thing, and Link lashes out at me. What happened in the last ten minutes that suddenly made me the evil villain again? Anger bubbles to the surface, my heart threatening to beat out of my chest.

“Fuck you, Link. I came out here to help you. Next time I’ll leave you here to pass out.” I stand up and turn to leave the ice when his deep voice stops me in my tracks.

“Good. Leave me the hell alone. I don’t need your help. Why don’t you worry about fixing the power play? That should keep you busy enough.”

I turn and skate toward him. He’s standing up now with his hands crossed over his chest. I know I shouldn’t poke thebear, but I literally do just that. I poke him in the chest. His firm, glorious chest.

“Don’t you dare come at me with power play shit. I’ve been working my ass off on that power play. I actually set a meeting with Niko to go over prospective new wingers for his unit before we hit the ice tomorrow. Weren’t you the one who just told me we have time?Don’t stress, we’ll figure it out?You seem to have changed your tune rather quickly. Don’t take your shit out on me.”

With one last poke, I turn and skate off the ice without looking back.

That man is so hot and cold, he’s giving me whiplash. Just when I thought we were starting to turn the page, he’s back to being the world’s biggest prick.

Again, I’m left wondering how the hell I’m going to make this work.

Thank god it’s Friday.

It’s been three days since Ellie caught me at one of my most vulnerable moments. No one has ever witnessed me during one of my breakdowns, and, of course, the first person to do so is Ellie.

I don’t need Ellie to know anything about me. I especially don’t need her to think I am some weak, fragile man who can’t keep his shit together. I’m her boss, for God’s sake.

After an emergency call to my therapist that night, I was able to get a decent night’s sleep with only one nightmare. Nightmares are a rare thing these days. Well, theywererare. I’m not quite sure why they’re coming back. But, if I have to guess, it’s because Ellie is back in my life.

Fucking great.

Not only is Ellie the reason my dad beat the shit out of me when I was a kid—well, not the only reason, obviously—but those beatings are the reason for my nightmares. Those nightmares are back now that Ellie is in my life again. What the hell am I supposed to do about that?

Something I’m going to have to work through with mytherapist. He is definitely getting his money’s worth, that’s for sure.

Ellie barely looked at me during our first players’ meeting on Wednesday. Thankfully, it was only with the captains so it didn’t last too long. We’ve pretty much avoided each other since then and that’s no way to run a hockey team.

Damn it.

I know I need to man up and have a conversation with her. I was a total dick to her on the ice when she found me like that. I lashed out and it wasn’t her fault. If anything, I need to thank her. When she started singing that ridiculous lullaby it distracted me so much, I was able to finally catch my breath. Hell, it was so damn cute I almost laughed.

But instead, like the dickhead I am, I didn’t laugh. I proceeded to make her feel like shit for helping me out.

I’m about to close my laptop and head to Ellie’s office to give her the apology she deserves when my phone rings. I look down at my phone to see Katie is calling me. I’ve avoided her since my breakdown on Tuesday, and she’ll just keep calling if I don’t answer.

With an exasperated exhale I answer. “Yes, Katie?”

“Well, hello to you too, my dear cousin,” she says with such overexaggerated cheeriness I can’t help but smile. She’s the only person who has ever been able to make me smile so easily.

Her voice is the calm I needed so I lean back in my chair and fall into conversation with my best friend. “Hello, Katie, my annoyingly persistent cousin. How can I help you on this fine Friday?”

She immediately sees through my bullshit and calls me out. “Don’t pretend this is afineFriday. You’ve avoided my calls all week. I haven’t talked to you since Monday. I know we don’t talk on the phone every day, but you haven’t been texting me back either. Don’t make me fly out to Green Bay to kick your ass. You know I will.”

The scary thing is, I know she will and I know she can actually kick my ass. She may be a tiny, little thing, standing at barely five-foot-three, but she’s feisty. It’s one of the many reasons I adore her so much. I’ll never be able to thank her for everything she’s done for me. Moving in with my aunt and uncle probably saved my life, but I think Katie had already done that a few times before, simply by being there for me.

I glance over toward my computer where a lone framed photo sits next to one of my succulents. It’s a picture of Katie and me at my high school graduation. Katie is a year younger, so I’m the only one in a cap and gown. I look less than enthused to say the least. Next to me though, Katie stands huddled close, her wavy, red hair cascading down so it falls almost to her elbow, with the biggest smile on her face. Even though I may look grumpy, that was the first day I finally felt free. That picture is a reminder of all the possibilities that stood before me. I smile at the memory and focus on the phone call once more.

“I know. I know. I’m sorry. I had a rough day on Tuesday. I haven’t really talked to anyone except for my therapist since then. I’ll try to be better about at least sending you a text or two.”

She’s quiet for a moment. “Did something happen?”

I contemplate how much I should tell her, but she knows every dark and twisted memory I have so there’s no point in keeping secrets now. “Um, yeah. I had one of those little panic attacks on the ice Tuesday afternoon.”

Please don’t ask questions. Please don’t ask questions.

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