Page 17 of Behind the Bench

“Oh shit. I’m sorry, Lincoln. Were you alone? Are you okay?”

Only two questions. Could be worse. “I’m all right. I was alone. Well, at least I thought I was. My assistant coach found me clinging to the boards, gasping for air.”

“Ew, that douchebag Grayson found you like that? That sounds horrible.”

I chuckle. “No, I wish it was Grayson. Ellie found me like that.”

Katie knows all about my dad and my history with Ellie. After that horrible night when my dad knocked me out cold, Katie found me the next morning with a broken nose and two black eyes. She came over because we usually walked to school together and I didn’t show.

I slowly began to confide in my cousin as I got older. She was the only family I had, and I’d go to her house as often as I could to escape my father. I think I was thirteen when she first saw the lashes on my back from my dad’s belt.

She’s a persistent little thing and threatened to tell her parents if I didn’t tell her what was going on. So I did.

I told her everything.

Katie started crying and then she hugged me for what felt like eternity. I made her promise not to tell her parents what was going on. I didn’t know what would happen if I lost my dad too. He was a monster, but I didn’t want to end up in foster care. I had hockey and that was enough to get me through the hell that was my father. I couldn’t lose both my parentsandhockey.

I told Katie as much and she was confused. I remember her asking, “But, doesn’t your dad hit youbecauseof hockey?”

It was a valid question. My father did hit me after hockey games, but he also hit me in the morning if I was too loud getting ready for school. He hit me after school if I got in the way of the TV. My dad seemed to hit me for no reason at all, except for the fact that he was an asshole who drank too much. After my mom left us, I was his only target. It seemed as I got older, he got angrier. Thanks, Mom.

Once I explained all of that to Katie, she reluctantly agreed to not tell her parents. That all changed when she found me with a broken nose. Katie broke her promise and told her parents everything. It turned out okay, though. I ended up moving in with her, and her parents after my dadwas arrested. In retrospect, it was probably the best thing to ever come from all that.

Katie’s voice is soft when she speaks again. “What did she do? What didyoudo?”

I groan. “She sang me a song and then I ripped her a new asshole.”

She gasps. “Ew, Lincoln. That visual is not one I needed. But what do you mean? You wererudeto her? What the hell is the matter with you? And don’t think I didn’t hear the other thing. We’ll come back to the singing.”

A low chuckle escapes my lips thinking about that god-awful singing again.

“Lincoln!” Katie scolds me for laughing.

“Look, Katie, it wasn’t my best moment. I’m not proud of it. I was just…embarrassed. It’s embarrassing for my assistant coach to see me anything less than professional. It’s especially embarrassing that it was Ellie who found me that way.”

Katie is quiet again before she speaks. “I know, Lincoln. You two have bad blood between you. Just hear me out…have you ever thought about what it’s like to be in her shoes?”

I start to argue with her but she’s not having it.

“Before you try to defend yourself, listen. Ellie is triggering your nightmares. I get that. Truly, I do. I’ve seen the scars. Literally and figuratively. But she hasn’t. She has absolutely no idea that she’s intertwined with your battle wounds. I’m sure she has zero clue as to why you actually hate her so much. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. You really have no reason to hate that woman. It’s not her fault your dad was an abusive asshole.”

She’s right. I know she’s right. Which just makes me feel even worse.

“You and my therapist both like to remind me of that.”

Katie laughs. “Well, we’re both brilliant therapists, so that tracks.”

I pinch the bridge of my nose and try to end this conversationbefore it becomes an entire therapy session. I have my own therapist for that. “I know you’re both right, but please leave the therapy to my own therapist. I appreciate you putting me in my place and I appreciate you being here for me, but I gotta work this shit out on my own. Being around her again is stirring up shit in me that I thought was long ago buried.”

Katie doesn’t say anything at first, and for a minute I think I might’ve gone too far. Thankfully her voice breaks through my worries. “It makes sense, Lincoln. Just don’t let those memories control you. You’re stronger than that. You’re better than that. Ellie also deserves better than that. You have to work together if you’re going to do your job.” She states what I already know in my head. We have to be able to be around each other if we’re going to turn this team around.

“Thanks, Katie. I hear you. I love you.”

“I love you too, ya big idiot.”

She hangs up the phone, and I’m left pondering my next move.

How can I apologize to Ellie without revealing my deepest, darkest secrets? I know she deserves an apology, but I’m not quite ready to let anyone in just yet.

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