Page 55 of Behind the Bench

“I don’t actually know if there’s a rule against it, but it’s not a good idea,” I say as I climb out of bed, hoping to put an end to this conversation. I make my way into my attachedbathroom and grab my toothbrush. If I brush my teeth, I can’t answer any more questions.

Sadie, of course, follows me, sits down on the toilet seat and patiently waits for me to finish.

I spit the last of my toothpaste out and throw my hands out. “What! Just say whatever it is you’re thinking, Sadie. I can see the wheels moving in your head and it’s making me dizzy.”

“I just don’t see why it’s not a good idea. You and Lincoln are both adults. You can separate work and pleasure. And if I’m being completely honest, you could both benefit from blowing off some steam. Even Hunter agrees that you’re both wound up too tight.”

Ah, there it is. That explains Hunter’s comment at the bar last night.

I storm past Sadie and into the middle of my bedroom, trying to tamp down my annoyance. “What the hell, Sadie! You’re talking to Hunter about me? About me and Lincoln?” I say it with a little bit too much force, but what the heck? “My best friend isn’t supposed to be plotting against me.”

Sadie doesn’t cower at my anger though, instead she lifts her chin higher before giving it right back to me. “Plotting against you? We’re trying tohelpyou. You’re both so focused on your jobs and proving everyone wrong that you’re forgetting to actuallylive.”

For some reason, that last comment felt like a slap across the face. Yes, I love my job and have put my heart and soul into coaching. And yes, I work tooth and nail to prove myself to the keyboard warriors and haters who make me question my worth day in and day out. But have I stopped living? Am I blinded by my need to achieve this dream and prove to my parents that their sacrifices weren’t for nothing?

Sadie must notice the effect her words have on me, because she’s on me in an instant, wrapping her arms around my neck.

“I love you, Ellie, and I think you’re the most badasswoman on the planet. But your need to be perfect and prove something to everyone is taking away your joy. I feel like you forgot you’re this incredible woman who earned her spot as a female assistant coach in the NHL. You work your ass off but you deserve toenjoythe moment too.”

She takes a step back but keeps her hands on my shoulders. “You deserve the job, but you also deserve so much more.”

Well, hell. I fight the sting in my eyes and will myself not to let a tear drop. Looking up at the ceiling, I let out a deep sigh.

“It’s not easy finding the balance, Sadie. I can’t lose focus on what I’m here to do.”

Sadie looks at me sympathetically. “You don’t have to lose focus, Elle. But you do have to find a way to have a life outside of your job. And maybe that can start with Lincoln.” She lets go of my shoulders and puts a hand on her hip and gives me an encouraging smile.

Maybe she’s right. Maybe blowing off some steam with my handsome coworker is exactly what I need.

Or maybe it will all blow up in my face and I’ll ruin the greatest opportunity I’ve ever been given.

I make my way to my dresser and pull out a pair of sweats and a hoodie. Next, I find a pair of high socks and do my best to find a hair tie amongst the chaos on top of my dresser.

“What are you doing?” Sadie asks from behind me.

Hidden beneath a pair of fluffy socks, I find a lone hair tie and throw my hair up into a ponytail. I quickly change into my sweats, not caring that Sadie is still staring at me like I’ve grown three heads.

“I can’t make sense of any of this. I have too many thoughts running through my mind. I need to clear my head.”

Sadie follows me to the front door where I find my black pair of Nikes and slip them on before grabbing my keys from the entry table. She hands me my jacket but doesn’t ask meany more questions. By the look on her face, she knows exactly where I’m going.

My blades bite into the ice and the cold air slams into me as I do another lap around the rink. For the first time in weeks, I finally feel like I can breathe.

My therapist is a godsend who helps in more ways than I could ever have dreamed. But there’s no therapy like a fresh sheet of ice.

The team is off from practice today, so the ice was sitting pretty when I got here, beckoning me like a moth to a flame. I quickly lace up my skates, grab my gloves and stick from the coaches’ room, and hit the ice running.

My lungs are burning like I’ve just done a shot of my favorite tequila, but it’s a burn I welcome. It reminds me that I’m alive. Even though Sadie may think I’m not truly living.

Finishing up another lap, I make my way to the bench to grab a few pucks I grabbed from the equipment room. I toss them toward center ice and take a sip of water from my water bottle. Having everything at the rink is a convenience I’ll never take for granted. To have this at the ready, whenever I need, is a blessing.

I skate to center ice and grab a puck before striding down toward the net. I cross over from left to right, picking up speed, before winding up and letting off a slap shot. The puck sails through the air and strikes the crossbar at the top right corner.

Damn it.

Skating back to center ice, I grab another puck and make my way down toward the other end of the ice. Repeating the same motions, I wind up and take another slap shot. Thistime, I hit the crossbar, but it's right where the crossbar meets the net. Bar down, baby. Right where mama hides the cookies.

Feeling refreshed, I lift my stick and rest it on top of my head, trying to catch my breath. Looking up at the scoreboard, I finally feel a sense of peace I’ve been missing.

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