Page 72 of Behind the Bench

“I don’t really have any good memories of my father. I wish I could say he wasn’t always a monster but I’d be lying. Even when I was a little kid learning how to skate, he would berate me and shame me for every slip and fall. He’d keep me outside on our pond for hours until I skated so many laps without falling. Hell, I think I was only four at the time. My mother would scream at him to give me a break, but he’d ignore her or backhand her and crack open another beer.”

Ellie stops the circles on my leg for a beat. I can tell she wants to say something, but doesn’t. I start playing with the strands of her hair to let her know I’m okay, and she continues drawing circles on my leg. I take a deep breath and continue.

“My mom did her best to protect me from it. She’d tell me to go in my room and put on my headphones. He never laid a hand on me. Until he did. Until I was old enough to step in and try to stop it. Well, at least I thought I was old enough. I think I was only nine the first time I jumped in front of my mom to stop his assault. At that point, she had become a shell of the woman she once was. She no longer checked in on me after a particularly horrible night. No more bedtime stories. No more breakfast waiting for me in the morning. She just kind of…disappeared before my eyes. Then, a week after my tenth birthday, she really did disappear.”

Ellie turns over in my lap so she’s looking up at me. She puts her hand on my face, but still, she doesn’t say a word.

Her silence in this moment is a gift. There’s nothing she could say that could possibly make this any easier to relive and she seems to get that. But this simple gesture, her hand on my cheek, she’s letting me know she’s here. She’s letting me know I’m not alone.

I reach down and cup her cheek with my own hand and we stare at each other. We simply exist in this heavy moment. Together.

Rubbing my thumb in a small circle on her cheek, I continue.

“After my mom left, my dad got angrier. Or drunk. Well, he got both. He’d sometimes disappear for days at a time and there would be no food in the house. I was too young to even get a part-time job so I was thankful for the meals provided at school. The days he did come home, he’d make sure to rough me up a little bit before disappearing again. I did my best to hide the worst of it from my cousin. Clearly, I couldn’t fool her because she started bringing extra food to school and insisting I come to her house every day. I started spending more time at her house with my aunt and uncle. They’d take me to my hockey practices. My dad would show up to my games—most of the time drunk—and then disappear again. It’s like he couldn’t stand being around me, but he still wanted the opportunity to make me feel shitty about myself. He used hockey as his weapon and I used it as my sanctuary. I was never good enough in his eyes, but out there on the rink, I was safe. I had a purpose.”

Ellie sits up and climbs into my lap. She leans her forehead against mine and then wraps me in a tight hug. She stays silent and holds me for a minute. When she lets go, she stays in my lap with her head in the crook of my neck. Her fingers start to play with my chest hair. “How did you get out? What happened?”

I realize with everything I said, I never answered her question.

“When I was sixteen, he knocked me out cold and Katie found me. She called the cops, even though I told her not to bother. He disappeared for a while but the cops finally found him a few towns over in some bar. He was arrested. It was his only offense on record so he got out after only like two years, I think. At least that’s what Katie told me. I haven’t heard from him since.”

Ellie’s hand stops moving and she flattens her palm against my heart. She looks up at me with a look I can’t quite place. It’s not pity in her eyes. It looks more like…remorse.

“Lincoln, I had no idea. I was so horrible to you and you were—” She shakes her head before meeting my eyes again. “You were just surviving. I’m so sorry.”

This woman hears my story and thinks it's her job to apologize to me. This thoughtful, selfless, beautiful woman.

I give her a quick kiss on the forehead. “It’s not you who should be apologizing. It’s my parents. Hell, I should be apologizing to you. I took it all out on you at the rink. I blamed you.”

She’s shocked by my confession and truthfully, I’m a bit shocked too. I didn’t want to go there tonight, but I appear to be baring my soul, so what’s one more secret?

“My dad used to compare me to you. After every game, or if we’d see you at the rink. He’d say things likeHow could you let some girl beat you like that?How does it feel to be weaker than her?I guess I should have had a daughter since my son is so embarrassing out there.I know now, after years of therapy, that it wasn’t your fault. But back then, Ihatedyou. I used to think, if it wasn’t for you, maybe my dad would love me more. It’s stupid. But, yeah, that’s why I hated you so much. That’s why it was so difficult when I found out you were my assistant coach. It brought back a lot of trauma and I’m not proud that I let it control me again. I’m sorry for how I treated you at the beginning of the year, Ellie. I have no excuse. I’m just so sorry.”

I’m not sure what I expect, but I don’t expect Ellie to yank my head down to kiss me. But I’m not mad about it.

Ellie’s lips are on mine, and my worries immediately wash away. She should hate me. She should be angry that I took everything out on her. Instead, she’s kissing me and bringing me back to life.

Ellie pulls back but keeps her hand wrapped around my neck. “I forgive you.”

Lincoln stares back at me like I just spoke a foreign language.

“Do you hear me, Lincoln? I forgive you.”

He shakes his head. “You can’t forgive me. I was an asshole. Foryears, I made your life a living hell. You can’t just forgive me so fast.”

This stupid, stupid man.

He’s been paying the price for other people’s sins his entire life. Fighting demons that were implanted by the people who were supposed to fight the demons for him. I will not allow one more second to go by where he thinks he owes me anything.

“I can forgive you—and I have. It’s all in the past, where it belongs. I don’t want to waste another second thinking about the people we used to be. Look at us now.” I lean in and give him another gentle kiss.

Lincoln laughs and shakes his head in disbelief. “You are too good of a person, Ellie. Way better than I am. I wish I could move on that easily.”

For some reason, those words ignite an explosion of shame within me. If only he knew that I’ve been holdingon to shit just as long as he has. I can’t even bear to have a conversation with my mom, because the guilt eats me alive.

Apparently, he can read me like a book because he grabs my chin and turns my face back toward him. “Hey, where’d you go?” he asks while searching my eyes.

I owe it to him to tell my story. He just opened up to me more than any other man has. Hell, I dated a guy in college for three years and he didn’t let me in like that.

---