Page 91 of Behind the Bench

I’m still pacing but I see her fingers moving fast across her screen. “Who has you smiling like an idiot over there?”

She types something else on her phone then puts it in the tiny side pocket of her yoga pants. I continue my pacing as she takes a seat on one of the stools at the island.

“It’s just Hunter. Don’t try to change the subject. Ellie, there will always be idiots on the internet who think they have the right to put down others. There is no escaping that. And no, you are not doing what they said you’d do. You’re not peeking into the locker room to watch the guys change or falling in love with one of the players. You’re kicking ass at rebuilding this teamandyou’re having a life outside of work. Hell, you guys are second in your division after being dead last the previous season, and that’s all thanks to you, Lincoln, and Hunter. Fuck what everyone else says. You’re not doing anything wrong.”

My pacing slows, and I turn to look at my best friend. Sadie loves me something fierce and the serious look on her face says she’s ready to go to war against anyone who says otherwise.

I lean my arms onto the island and rest my face in myhands. “I just don’t want to screw anything up. The team. Things with me and Lincoln. Everything is just so good right now.”

Sadie reaches across the counter and she pulls my hand away from my face. “You’re not screwing anything up. Stop worrying about things that haven’t happened yet. Keep kicking ass behind the bench and keep seeing Lincoln behind the scenes. Nothing has to change. But Ellie, you have to be honest with yourself about how you feel. And you should probably be honest with Lincoln too.”

She holds my hands as I let her words sink in. I know I need to admit to myself that what I’m feeling goes well beyond anything physical. I’ve never felt like this about anyone in my life before. It’s hard for me to come to terms with it all. Life has a way of keeping us on our toes. One minute I’m dreading showing up to work with Lincoln, and the next I’m counting down the minutes until I see him again. It’s absolutely terrifying. What if he doesn’t feel the same way I do?

Sadie’s right, though. I’m falling for him and I’m afraid he won’t be there to catch me.

“What if he doesn’t feel the same way about me?” It sounds even more pathetic when I say it out loud, but I do feel lighter now that I’ve said it.

Sadie gets up from her stool and walks around the island. Her arms are around me before I can even fully turn my body toward her.

“If he doesn’t feel the same way, then he’s an idiot.” She pulls her head back to look at me but keeps her arms wrapped around me. “But you’ll never know if you’re too afraid to say anything. You could miss out on something amazing. The Ellie Montgomery I know doesn’t back down because she’s scared. She runs head first into the unknown with her head held high.”

I grab my best friend and hug her as hard as I can. She may not know how truly scary my life has been at times. Mymom’s accident. The pressure that comes with playing in the Olympics and PWHL. Showing up to work in a man’s world. But she’s right about one thing—fear has never stood in my way before.

And I sure as hell am not going to let it now.

We lost our last game before Christmas break 3–1. It was another close game with a last second empty-net goal. It’s not the way we wanted to end things before the holiday, but I’m not going to let it ruin my mood. We now have a couple days off, and it’s exactly what we all need to rest and reset.

Most of the guys have family visiting town and they’ll be spending the next couple of days with them. Lincoln and Katie are driving to Michigan together to spend Christmas with his aunt and uncle. Apparently, she canceled her trip to Florida and wants to be with her family. He hasn’t told me yet what prompted her to cancel or what caused her surprise trip to Green Bay, but I’m happy he’s been able to spend some time with her. Hunter and the rest of the staff will fly out to Detroit the day after Christmas.

My flight to Detroit just landed and I’m feeling mixed emotions. Even though I’ll see him in a few days, I’m going to miss Lincoln. I find myself imagining what Christmas would be like spending it together. Although I’ll be missing him, I’m excited to see my dad. I’m looking forward to seeing my mom too, but I’m also nervous. After learning everything about Lincoln’s past, it has made me reflect on my own quite a bit.

I’m lucky enough to have two parents who absolutely adore me, and yet I hold onto the past. It prevents me from having a relationship with my mom and she didn’t even do anything wrong. But, still, I put up these walls around me, keeping her at arm’s length. I think it’s a combination of the fear of almost losing her and letting her down that holds me back. I’m hoping to knock down some of the walls I’ve put in place, because if being with Lincoln has taught me anything, it’s that I can’t let my past dictate my future anymore. I miss my mom and I don’t want to miss her anymore. Especially when she hasn’t gone anywhere.

Luckily, I didn’t check any bags, so as soon as I’m off the plane I make my way down to the arrivals area where cars are waiting outside to pick up their loved ones. As soon as I reach the bottom of the escalator, a huge smile spreads across my face.

My dad is standing just inside the automatic doors holding a sign that readsCoach Montgomery’s Biggest Fan!His dirty blond hair has grown out more than usual, and he’s sporting more facial hair than I think I’ve ever seen him have. His eyes light up and a smile spreads across his face the minute he spots me. I all but sprint toward him before throwing my arms around his neck. He’s even taller than Lincoln, so I’m up on my tiptoes, squeezing him with all my might. He keeps hold of the sign but wraps his arms around me too, squeezing me as tight as he can.

“Hey, kiddo.”

It’s only two words but I nearly lose it because I’m hearing them in person. God, I’ve missed him so much.

He kisses my cheek and then lets go. He leans back to get a better look at me and a smile of his own matches mine. “You look good, sweetie. God, I’ve missed you.”

We turn to head outside. The cold air is a sucker punch. Looking around, I don’t see his car waiting. “I missed you too,dad. You look different.” He laughs and bumps his shoulder into mine. “Where’s Mom?”

“I wanted to get here early and park so I could show off this awesome sign I made.” He holds up the sign to show it off, as if I didn’t already see it. “With how cold it is and how far away I had to park, she didn’t want to be a burden. Those are her words, not mine. She could never be a burden, but the parking garage would’ve been a slight pain in the ass maneuvering her wheelchair with all the snow. She’s so excited to see you, kid.” A pang of guilt hits my chest but I push it down before it can consume me.

We make our way across the busy street, full of honking cars and airport attendants rushing them along as they wait for their loved ones. My dad tells me he parked on the second floor so we opt to keep our bodies moving and take the stairs. Against my protests, he grabs my small carry-on suitcase for me and we quickly find his Range Rover parked just outside the stairwell.

Once we’re inside, he turns on the car and I immediately turn the seat warmers on. I’m hoping to thaw my frozen body out as soon as possible. There isn’t much traffic exiting the parking garage, and before we know it, we’re on the freeway making our way toward home.

Home.

I can’t wait to be home.

It’s about a thirty-minute drive to our house, so we fill the silence by talking about our favorite thing: hockey. We discuss tonight’s game, and I go over everything I wish I could’ve done differently. Even when I was a player, I’d always reflect after the game and ask my coaches to send me the game tape so I could watch my shifts to identify what I could’ve done differently. As a coach, I find myself taking the blame even more now. It’s my job to lead these guys to victory, so when we come up short, I make it my mission to figure out why and where I could’ve improved.

My dad would always point out my positives and remind me that even if we are playing our best hockey, sometimes things just don’t go your way. It’s been years since I’ve played, but he still does the same thing.

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