Page 94 of Behind the Bench

I’m out of breath by the time I finish my babbling. My mom’s hand doesn’t leave mine the entire time I’m talking. She’s about to say something when my phone buzzes again on the table.

She laughs and finally releases my hand. “Well, go ahead. Answer him.”

I reach across the cribbage board to grab my phone and there’s a text from Lincoln waiting for me.

Lincoln

Katie’s bladder is the size of a walnut. Just stopped for a restroom break and she’s going to take a turn driving. We’re about an hour outside of Kalamazoo. I’m gonna close my eyes for a little bit. Miss you, Montgomery.

The fact that he is keeping me updated and letting me know he’s thinking of me makes my heart pitter patter. I can feel Mom’s eyes on me as I type out a text back.

Not even going to make me work for it? You must be tired if you’re so willing to admit you miss me.

Lincoln

Fine, I take it back.

I miss you too. Sweet dreams, Coach.

Mom stares at me in wonderment, but I choose to ignore the look. I keep talking before I lose the courage to. “That was him, he’s driving back with his cousin. They’re still a few hours out.”

She simply nods her head, but a ghost of a smile still plays on her lips. “It sounds like you really like him, Ellie. I don’t think I’ve ever seen you like this before.”

I push the unease that begins to creep up back down. There’s no hiding the fact that I am so far gone for this man. I won’t let the fear of the media finding out or losing him hold me back anymore.

“I do really like him, Mom. He doesn’t just make me a better coach; he makes me a better person.” My eyes fall to my hands that are fidgeting without the cards or phone in them. I’m about to open up to my mom in a way I haven’t been able to since the accident. I was so young I don’t think I’ve ever had to have a conversation like this with her before.

“How so?” Her voice is gentle and it has me picking my eyes back up to meet hers. I may be nervous to let it all out, but it’s time. It’swaypast time to let her in.

Taking a deep breath, I tell my truth. “Lincoln and I have opened up to each other in a way I never have with anyone before. He told me things about his past that were absolutely heartbreaking. It’s his story to tell, but it made me realize how lucky I am to have two parents who love me with all they have.”

I’m wringing my hands on top of the table as I talk, and my mom reaches over to place hers on top of mine again. It gives me enough courage to keep going.

“Ever since your accident, I’ve been blaming myself.”

My mom straightens her back, ready to argue but I cut her off.

“Before you try to convince me it wasn’t my fault, I know. My therapist tells me all the time that it was no one’s fault. Logically, I get that. But I can’t help but think that if it wasn’t for my overbearing hockey schedule, you never would’ve been on the road. You lost your ability to walk and Dad gave up his dream. I’m the reason the two of you had to change yourentire lives. It’s why I work my ass off and strive for perfection. If I let you down, what was it all for?”

Tears pool in my eyes at my confession but also because of the look on my mother’s face. It looks like I just broke her heart. She moves her chair closer to me and takes my face in her hands.

“My poor, sweet girl. What happened was a horrible accident. Anaccident, Ellie. It kills me to think you’ve been carrying this weight alone. You could give up your career today and I’d still be so damn proud of you. Your father made his choice because hewantedto. You don’t think we couldn’t afford to hire help? He didn’t want that. His love for me is greater than his love for the game. We are happy, Ellie. And all we want is for you to be happy too.”

I lean forward and do something I haven’t done since I was a child. I let my mom hold me and cry.

My face is a mess and my mom’s shirt is drenched, but after about ten minutes of sobbing, I pull myself together and sit back up. At some point, Dad must’ve heard me breaking down, because he’s sitting next to me on my other side. I turn toward him and grab his hand so I’m holding both of theirs.

“I’m so sorry I put distance between us, Mom. I was so busy blaming myself and scared I might lose you again, I didn’t know what to do. I put walls up thinking I was protecting myself from further heartbreak, but it ended up keeping out the one person I needed the most. You.”

They both squeeze my hand a little tighter and lean in for a group hug. My dad is the first to pull back but he keeps his arm around me. “I may have been eavesdropping a tiny bit, so don’t yell at me. But, Ellie, you have to know I made my choice to retire because there was no other choice for me. You and your mother are my whole entire world. I’d do it again a million times. I have to know, though—the Olympics, your career…are those truly your dreams? Or did you think you had to pursue those things for us?”

His question is one I’ve asked myself a thousand times. Part of me has always wondered if I continued on this path because I felt guilty. But then I lace up my skates and step on the ice, and I know it’s exactly where I’m meant to be.

“I’ve been dreaming of this for a long time. My motivations may have changed from time to time, but playing professionally and then being fortunate enough to coach in the NHL…” I shake my head because to this day, I still can’t believe this is my life. “It’s everything I could’ve ever wanted.”

After spilling my guts to my parents, we continue talking about everything for another hour. I’m finally able to breathe for the first time in years. It feels so good to be able to sit here with them and talk about my life in Green Bay and their lives here in Michigan. The emotions of the day have me exhausted by the time lunch rolls around. So after eating some grilled cheese and tomato soup with my parents, I find my way back into my bed for a nap.

It’s almost four in the afternoon when I stumble out of my childhood bedroom. I left my phone downstairs to charge and also so I wouldn’t obsessively check it hoping for a text from Lincoln. I’m not sure when I became so obsessed and desperate to hear from him, but I’m not going to think too long about that.

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