Page 7 of Better as It

I really did.

Benjamin Henderson was everything I never thought I could love. He is or I should say was an IT tech at the community college, with a side business installing security systems. He wore button down shirts with khaki pants or polos with jeans and tennis shoes on a casual day. His hands were always soft and his eyes were always filled with sweetness.

The first time we went out, it was to prove to my brother I didn’t need him smothering me. Toon left and I had been lost. Months had gone by and the pain still consumed me. How could he walk away from what we shared? I still can’t wrap my head around it. The passion between us is undeniable. At first, it crushed me to know he went so far away, but honestly, I find myself thankful for it.

I don’t have to see him. Out of sight makes it easier to tuck all things Justin Miller into a box and let the dust collect on his memories.

It killed me inside when he left me. First loves do that to a girl. BW was worried. Karsci and Maritza got together making me a profile on a dating site. Benji was supposed to be my rebound. A simple dip my toe in the water of trying to see someone knew all while knowing my heart forever would belong to another man. When they set the date, I refused to wear makeup, but I did agree to go.

Reluctantly.

At the small coffee shop, he was waiting at an outside table wearing a blue polo shirt, jeans, some white sneakers, glasses, and a baseball hat. As I approached he stood up so fast his chair fell over.

“I’m sorry,” he stuttered picking up the seat. “You’re even prettier than the picture.”

I gave him a half laugh and rolled my eyes, “terrible pick up line, buddy. And you’re pretty too.” Way too pretty for my life, was my initial though. He laughed it off. I think he thought I was being as weird as him. I wasn’t. It was pure sarcasm.

He was awkward. Nerdy.

But always kind, considerate, and truly present with me.

For the first time since Toon left, I could breathe and it was because of the goober in a blue shirt and too clean shoes.

The memory of him burns making the silence of my home seem even louder. Benji used to fill this space. With his constant humming, his late night Ramen experiments, his stupid jokes that always made me laugh even if they weren’t really that funny. His delivery always made it hilarious.

Now I’m alone again.

Just me and Skye.

The grief won’t release me. I stand in the kitchen looking around. The coffee maker taunting me. The grounds still in it from the last pot he made. I can’t bring myself to empty it. His favorite mug sitting beside it.

World’s Okayest Boyfriend.

A mug my brother got him when he began prospecting with the Hellions. Something Benji did for me. Everything he did was for me, for us.

I grip the counter and cry out, “I’m sorry.” I call out to no one. “I’m so very sorry.”

The worst part I did everything right this time. Yet, I was still his demise. The guilt gnaws at me. I thought I could have it all with Benji.

I didn’t chase the patch. I didn’t chase the man who left and never looked back. I didn’t beg anyone to stay. I let go of the idea of the ride. I built a life with Benji that wasn’t about the Hellions being in the center of it. I chose the man with a steady job, who loved my dog (even though she was never nice to him), and me for me. I chose the man not chasing a family or brotherhood, but the man who wanted to chase me.

Yet, still fate being the cruel bitch she is, punishes me.

He wasn’t supposed to be on the road that night. He wasn’t supposed to die saving someone else’s kid. He wasn’t ever supposed to be anyone’s hero, except maybe mine.

Now, though, that is reality.

His mother blames me. Hell, I blame me. He only learned to ride for me. He prospected in order to be in my world. Not once did he ever ask me to conform to his. But my world, he embraced and like everything good, he was swallowed up in it.

His mom is right.

This is on me.

If he didn’t meet me, didn’t love me, he never would have been in that spot one week ago.

It was raining, he was on his bike coming home from a charity run. He literally had split from the group not two miles before. A car hydroplaned and flipped into the guard rail of this small bridge area. Pulling over and jumping into action, Benjihelped the mom out of her crumpled car. Once she was safe on the shoulder of the road, he got her toddler from the backseat. He got them both secured off the road and sat them down wrapping them in a blanket he kept in his saddlebags.

The woman said her phone and purse were in the car.

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