Page 10 of Confessions of Pain

Chapter 4

After I got out of the rental car and watched Ethan drive away, I checked us into the hotel and went to hide in my room. Since the moment I’d read Morganston Textiles was in trouble, everything in my life had been going at a super-fast pace. With the help of Titus, there’d been hours upon hours of research as we tried to determine just how bad the Morganston sons had fucked up the company after their father died. Titus hacked every Morganston personal account he could find.

He’d hacked into the business account. Hell, he’d even hacked into the bank’s account so he could get a final picture of what the whole deal looked like. Then it had been hours of moving money and selling stock—pretty much blowing every penny I owned. Once the funds had been taken care of, we’d moved to start pressuring the bank to call the loan and sell to us. In other words, I hadn’t had more than a few minutes of awake time to do anything other than plan Kelsey’s demise and then to picture that demise in my head right before I drifted off to sleep. There’d been no time to stop and ask myself what the fuck I was doing. I hadn’t used one extra second to pause long enough to ask why I was doing this. Ethan was right. What happened between Kelsey and me was nothing more than history. An ugly history, but history nonetheless. I should have just left it dead and buried.

Other than my own fucked-up behavior, the one thing that really threw me for a loop was the fact that Titus had gone along with it. Titus was the smartest businessman in the universe. Why didn’t he hit pause long enough to knock some sense into me? Why hadn’t he pulled Ethan and Jeremiah aside and told them I was being a huge asshole? Titus loved money. He didn’t love money for the wrong reasons. He loved money because he knew that those that had been blessed with money were also burdened with the blessing of helping other people with that money. Titus was generous and kind. Why would he have allowed me to throw away millions of dollars?

Didn’t matter. It was my mistake, not his. I would deal with it, and I wasn’t destitute.

I sure the hell wasn’t as rich as I’d been when I rolled out of bed this morning…before the contracts were signed, but I had some left.

I lay on the bed, hands folded on my stomach, and tried to figure out why Titus let me fuck myself over. I lay there thinking that, because if I didn’t keep my mind on that path, I would move on to Kelsey, and thinking about Kelsey was dangerous. He was still obviously my Kryptonite. No matter how much time passed or how badly he hurt me with his lies, my heart had done a funny little jump when he walked into the room. It was that same heart cartwheel that it had always done whenever my eyes would land on him—even after all these years. My heart remembered.

Shit, my cock remembered, too. Every nerve in my body had gone on high alert. It was as if my body screamed “Finally!” when he walked into the room. No, he wasn’t the same boy I’d been so madly in love with, but there weren’t many changes. He was still thin with lean muscles. His skin was still tanned and flawless. His hair had changed. It used to be a pale blond and now it was more of a dirty blonde. Oh, and it was longer. He had the same high cheekbones, long lashes, and slanted eyes that were a bright blue. His lips were soft and full—he’d always hated that about his mouth. I’d always loved it. Just as I remembered, his neck was slim and long. I wondered if it was still sensitive? He would either giggle like a girl or moan with arousal when I’d toyed with his neck. So sensitive. So…mine. At least, that’s what I’d thought.

When we’d been kids, he’d always worn silly khaki pants and a neat button-up shirt. Always tucked in. Of course, he’d gone to a prep school in the next county. I’d worn ragged jeans that were always a size too big because no matter how hard I tried, they never had my size at the Goodwill store. T-shirts had been my staple. I’d worn chunky boots and he’d worn Converse tennis shoes. We couldn’t have been more opposite in our looks or social status.

Silly me, I’d thought none of that mattered to Kelsey. He’d almost convinced me that it didn’t matter. All those nights we’d lain under the stars, sharing secrets and dreams, he’d told me that having money didn’t mean shit. He’d told me I was a better man than anybody he knew. He’d told me things and looked at me with those big blue eyes in a way that convinced me I could do or be anything I wanted. If I hadn’t been a screwed-up teenager, I might have realized that there was something…off about our relationship. I’d shared everything with him. He’d shared nothing with me. He never once told me what his plans for the future were. What his favorite food was. What his favorite color was. Nothing. I’d known nothing about him and he’d known everything about me.

Please don’t leave without me.

I felt my hand start to fist. My chest ached. I didn’t want to do this, not right now. When I allowed myself the luxury of Kelsey memories, I needed to be alone. In the dark. With a bottle of Scotch. Thoughts of Kelsey were always exhausting. I’d feel empty for hours, days at times. I couldn’t do this right now. Titus, Ethan, and Jeremiah would be here in less than an hour. There wasn’t enough time. My heart wouldn’t have enough time to recover.

“Hey! Your name’s Gabriel, isn’t it? I’ve seen you around. Mine’s Kelsey.” He held out his small hand, offering me a handshake like a stupid grownup would do. I looked down at his offering and noticed the delicate bones visible against the pale flesh stretched over them. I knew who the fuck he was, just like the rest of our goddamned town, and his last name did absolutely nothing to impress me. I also knew he was only a year younger than me, so why were his hands so tiny? He looked like a freakin’ fairy from Cinderella or something.

I snorted in disgust, mostly at myself for noticing how delicately cute his hands were, and said, “Fuck off, kid.”

“I’m not a kid, you know,” he spat, surprising the hell out of me when he stepped in front of me to block the path.

I had no idea fairies had balls. Impressive. He kinda made me want to laugh. He kinda made me feel something else, too.

“You are to me,” I hissed. “Now, get lost. Scram. Go back to doing whatever it is you rich kids do. If you’re that desperate for a friend, buy yourself one. You’ve got enough green to do that. Stop messing with me.”

He didn’t budge. Blue eyes flashed angrily. Finally, he crossed his hands over his chest and said, “Fine. How much do you cost?”

What the fuck? “What are you talking about?” I could have stepped around him or shoved him right out of my path without any extra effort, but the sound of his voice was making me want to smile. What the hell was that about? I’d never noticed how anybody sounded before.

“You told me to buy a friend, so I asked how much you cost. It seems like a simple question to me. I assumed you must be for sale for you to make a statement like that. Soooo, how much do you cost?”

I almost laughed out loud. Balls and spunk. It could be a cute mix if he had a different last name. I looked around the busy street to make sure nobody was listening to us or even watching us, for that matter. I didn’t need to be connected to a Morganston for any reason whatsoever; nothing good could come from that. Absolutely nothing. Nobody seemed to be paying us any mind, so I decided to let myself toy with him a little longer. He was cute. A pixie fairy, that was it.

“Not for sale.”

“Hmmm,” he answered quietly. I could tell his mind was going a mile a minute. “Can I rent you then? What are you doing? Want to go get an ice cream or something?”

That time, I did laugh out loud. I had to be on fucking camera somewhere. This was some kind of joke. It had to be. “An ice cream? Are you kidding me? What’s up, kid? Are you trying to be rebellious or something? Talking to the town trash to prove you’re finally getting hairs on your balls? Is that it? What’s this newfound interest in poor people you’ve gotten?” Why in the hell was this kid bothering me? Not only did I know who he was, I’d seen him around town often enough and he didn’t ever seem to talk to anybody—just wandered around with his nose in a book, making the rest of the world go around him on the sidewalk to keep from running him over. I couldn’t begin to count the number of times I’d fantasized about tripping his skinny ass when I’d been forced to sidestep off the cracked pavement just to avoid walking into him. Now, here he was, looking up at me with those bright blue eyes like we were the best of friends. As far as I knew, he hadn’t one time looked in my direction.

“Nah, no hair on the balls yet.” He crinkled his nose. “Does that really happen? Cause it sounds gross.”

He did not just say that. I glanced around again to make sure nobody was overhearing this exchange. At fifteen years old, I already knew I was gay, but I sure as hell wasn’t ready to scream it out to the homophobic world of Trenton Falls. Abso-fucking-lutely-not. Two guys standing around talking about hairy balls just might lead someone to draw the gay conclusion all on their own, even if the intelligence level of most Trenton Falls residents was incredibly low.

“Go away, kid. Why are you bothering me?”

“Cause I think you’re pretty,” he answered matter-of-factly.

I jerked in shock and then grabbed him by the upper arm and yanked him down the sidewalk, kept dragging him until we were well out of anybody’s hearing distance. When I was sure we were completely alone in the shadowed alley between the dollar store and the local grocery, I shoved him against the brick wall hard enough to cause his head to smack against the bricks. Those delicate, bird-like hands immediately rose up to rub the back of his head.

“Don’t say shit like that in front of people, kid! That fucking shit will get you in trouble! Fuck!” This was just what I needed to get my ass killed. I wasn’t stupid, I knew what happened to boys that had urges like I did. They disappeared, that’s what. I knew that because my father told it around the trailer about every damned night. Obviously, someone he worked with was gay and dear ole dad went the extra mile to prove he was totally against that shit. Made me wonder if the apple hadn’t fallen far from the tree. The only difference was I wasn’t ashamed of how I felt. I was just afraid of how I felt while living here.

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