Page 101 of Keeping the Score

And that will mean I no longer have a reason to help Ford.

I drop my phone and lean my head on my desk on folded arms. I feel like the world is slowly spinning around me, and heaviness lodges in my stomach.

Things will go back to the way they were before. That’s what Ford and I agreed on. He’ll be my neighbor. My friend. I’ll ask him to fix a leaky tap. He’ll… well, he’s never needed much from me before Tilly arrived.

I abandon any pretense of working and trudge to my bedroom. I lie down on the bed.

I think about my life before. I worked my ass off to get my consulting business going. I saw Elodie and my other friends sometimes. I went home with men sometimes. But holy crap, does that existence ever seem lonely now. Kind of like right after my divorce, when I was bereft and depressed and broken. Elodie said I can survive anything, because I survived that.

But right now, the excruciating emotions make me not so sure of that. It’s crazy. Tilly is not my daughter. Ford is not my husband or even boyfriend, really. It should beeasierto recover from losing them. So why does it hurt so much?

Hot tears slide from the corners of my eyes and into my hair. I let them flow. I let myself wallow in misery for a little while. But I can’t do it for long, because Lieve is looking after Tilly and it’s time to pick her up.

I wash my face with cold water and brush my hair, then go over to Ford’s place.

“Hi!” I call to Lieve as I enter.

“Hi, Andi!”

“How’s my girl?” I ask her, walking over to where Tilly is lying on her playmat with the little gym above her. She’s batting at colorful plastic flowers and babbling away. Adorable.

“She’s good today. Very happy.” She gives me an update on feeds and diaper changes and sleep.

Tilly sees me and her babbles change and her arms reach out.

A hot softness fills my chest. “Hi, baby girl.” I get down on the floor and reach for her. She knows now when we’re going to pick her up. “Hi! Are you having fun?” I give her kisses and a little squeeze.

I look at Lieve. “I’ll stay here for a bit, since she’s having fun with this.”

“Sounds good.” Lieve stands and goes to get her coat and purse. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

I play with Tilly, admiring her, trying to imprint her little features into my memory in case I don’t have much time left with her. I’ll probably see her again—Ford does live next door to me—but… I don’t know how that’s going to go. Ford and I might not even be friends anymore. I know we talked about it and said we could do that, but I didn’t expect to fall in love with him. And I can’t imagine seeing him on the reg as just a friend. What if he meets someone else? I don’t think I could bear that.

I shake a rattling toy for Tilly and she grabs it away from me.

Maybe, if Ford and I are done with whatever this is, I should move away. A knife twists in my heart at that thought, but I also think about how hard it will be to see him, to see Tilly, if we’re not even friends anymore. I’ll look into real estate listings later and see what’s out there.

When Tilly grows fussy, I pick her up. I was going to take her to my place for the night, but it’s easier to just stay here. And I might only have a few nights left in Ford’s bed. I change her and get her settled in her little cot. Then I slump on Ford’s couch with my phone. The game doesn’t start for a few hours yet. I shouldn’t even watch it.

But I do.

It’s a train wreck.

Mostly for Ford. What is up with him?

He jumps a guy! Everyone ends up fighting and Ford gets a penalty!

Does that mean he has to sit in the penalty box?

No, apparently not. Oh, another player sits there for him. He stays in goal. I don’t know if that’s fair but those are the rules.

Tilly wakes up and I’m pulled away from the game for a few minutes to change her diaper and get a bottle ready, but I settle on the couch to feed her and watch more. After that, I sit with her on the floor, making faces at her and playing peekaboo with her. And I watch the team lose when the other team scores into the empty net at the end of the game.

“Your daddy is not going to be happy about this,” I say to Tilly, making her do little bicycle legs.

She squawks.

“I know.” I make a face. “He lost his temper. I guess I understand it. He’s probably as upset as I am.” I look down at Tilly’s face. She smiles.

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