Page 107 of Keeping the Score

I hurry into her room and gently rouse her. When she beams a smile up at me, I almost burst into tears. This is killing me.

I talk and sing to her as I change her diaper, and she watches my face intently in that wise way she has. When she’s dressed again, I carry her out to the kitchen to get her a bottle and then rejoin Elodie. “Here she is! The big girl’s awake.”

“Hi, Tilly.” Elodie leans over. “Remember me? No? That’s okay.” She sighs as if deeply offended.

As I feed Tilly, we resume our conversation. “So, yeah, I looked at condos for sale last night. I found a few things I like. And they’re pet friendly! I could adopt a dog from the shelter.”

“Are you sure Ford isn’t going to want to continue things with you?”

“No.” I drop my gaze to Tilly. “But I’m afraid to hope for that.”

“That amazing date he took you on had to mean something.”

“I thought so, too. But he never said anything. I keep thinking maybe this will be a relief for him—to get more timeback, to get his focus back. He’s worked so hard to improve his game. He hasn’t been playing his best and I know it bothers him.”

“Right.”

“But then I think about how much he loves Tilly now. He doesn’t want to lose her entirely. His dad told him to talk to a lawyer about it, and he has that positive DNA test, so it seems likely he’d be able to get at least partial custody.”

We hash things out until we’re going over the same stuff again. And there’s no point in talking about it anymore. I won’t know what’s going on until Ford comes home. But I’m going to be prepared. I’ll have a plan for moving on with my life.

I’m stronger than I was before. I can handle this. I can be sad and heartbroken and also proud of myself and confident that I can still live my best life, however it turns out.

I just might need a little time to get over the heartbroken part of that.

I pat Tilly’s back until she burps because I can’t break that practice and then we play with her on the floor.

“How’s your Christmas shopping coming along?” I ask Elodie. “Are you going to your parents?”

“Yeah. On the 24th. What about you?”

“I hadn’t planned to go home for Christmas,” I say slowly. “I don’t know why. But now, I kind of want to. I want to see Mom and Dad and Daisy. I can go for as long as I want, since I’ll be unencumbered. If I have to do some work while there, that’s fine.” I remember my own shopping the other day. “I already bought Ford and Tilly Christmas presents,” I say sadly. “I think they’ll like them.”

31

FORD

Not surprisingly, Bender gets the start in the next game. And we win. At the end of the game I go onto the ice and follow the other guys as they line up to bump helmets with Bender to celebrate the win. I throw my arms out and give him a hug. “Fantastic game. Way to pump up the guys and turn things around.”

“Thanks, man.”

I’m hoping to start the third game of our road trip but that doesn’t happen. I’m pissed, but resigned. I don’t deserve it after that game in Columbus. And I’m happy when we get another win and Bender gets a shutout.

This isn’t what I planned for this year, though.

Well, none of it is. Did I plan to have a daughter? Did I plan to fall in love?

Sitting on the bus in the dark going back to the hotel, I go very still. What?Love?

My heart starts knocking in my chest, fast enough to steal my breath. My head goes empty. I shove a hand through my hair and look out the window.

Holy shit. I feel like the bus is closing in on me. I need to get off. My head whips around in a panic.

“What?” Dilly, sitting beside me, gives me a weird look. “Are you okay?”

“No. I’m fucked.”

“Yeah.” He sighs.

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