Page 109 of Keeping the Score

“Oh, shit.” Benny stares at me. “What did she say? Is she back?”

“Yeah. She’s back. I’m going to see her… fuck… tomorrow.”

“Jesus.” Benny makes a face. “So is she going to take Tilly back?”

“I don’t know. But yeah, I expect so.” A corkscrew twists into my chest. Oh, fuck me sideways with a cheese grater, I can’t cry in front of these guys. I grab Crusher’s drink and swallow another mouthful of bourbon.

“Okay, you have rights,” Smitty says. “You’re her father.”

“I know. I talked to a lawyer about it.”

“So you want to keep her?” Crusher asks.

“Hell, yeah.” I glare at him. Then I slump. “But, obviously, I won’t be able to keep her full-time. I don’t know how this is going to go. And then…” I stop.

“What?” Benny prompts.

“Never mind.”

“Hell, no, tell us what you were going to say,” Crusher pushes me. “How can we help you if we don’t know what’s bugging you?”

“I don’t need help.”

They all make derisive noises. “Dude. You definitely need help. You were not yourself in that game in Columbus and you’ve been moping this whole trip,” Smitty says.

“We know you have a temper, but that was extra,” Dilly adds.

“And you usually don’t let things get you down once you’ve smashed a stick or whatever,” Crusher puts in.

I stare into the amber liquid in the glass. “I miss them.”

“Miss… who?” Crusher asks.

“Tilly and Andi.”

“Andi,” Crusher replies. “We’re getting somewhere.”

“You two are obviously more than friends now,” Benny says. “I saw you after that date. You could have set my condo on fire with the heat you two were generating.”

“You took her on a date?” Crusher asks. “Okay.” He rubs his hands together. “Now we’re cooking with gas.”

I scowl at him.

“This can’t be just because you miss them,” Smitty says.

“I miss Mabel andI’mnot crying into my bourbon,” Benny adds.

“That’s my bourbon,” Crusher corrects him.

I roll my eyes. “It’s not that exactly. It’s the fact that I miss them that makes me realize how fucked I am.”

“Explain,” Dilly says.

I don’t know if I can. I was already confused and my head’s feeling a little woolly. I heave a sigh. “Willa’s going to want Tilly back. Even if I tell her I want partial custody, she doesn’t have to agree to that right now. So Tilly’s gone. But I’ll fight for her.” I set my jaw and look up at my friends. “And I’ll get her back. Even just part-time. I’m not letting her go now that I know her. Know of her.”

They all nod.

“But Andi…” I drop my head again, shaking it.

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