Page 110 of Keeping the Score

They all wait.

“Here’s the problem.” I look up at them. “She doesn’t want kids.”

I get perplexed looks from all of them.

“I…” I point at my own chest. “…have a kid.”

“Right.”

“So you think she doesn’t want anything long term with you because you have a kid?” Benny asks.

“Obviously.” I nod, pain building behind my ribs. “She doesn’t want kids. Why would she want to be with a guy who has a kid?”

“Dude. She’s been helping you look after Tilly for months,” Benny says. “She loves Tilly.”

Yeah. She does. She couldn’t take care of her and interact with her with such tenderness and affection and thoughtfulness if she didn’t love her. “But that’s not her kid. She can leave Tilly and go home and not worry about her.” Like she did the other night. “I think she’s ready to get back to her normal life. And I get that.”

“So… if you didn’t have a kid, would you still want Andi in your life?” Smitty asks.

I gape at him. “Fuck, yeah.”

One corner of Smitty’s mouth lifts. “That didn’t take long.”

“Not just as a babysitter,” Benny adds.

“Fuck, no!” I scowl.

“And not just a fuck buddy?” Dilly asks.

“No!” My heart is banging against my sternum. “But…”

“Another but,” Dilly says with a longsuffering exhalation. “Tell us.”

“Even if she’s okay with me having a kid, which I guess… I don’t know, I think she does love Tilly, but… we agreed we would just be bang buddies. No commitment.”

“She went on that date with you,” Benny points out.

“True.” I wanted to show her she’s special and important to me. “But on the way home she got weird. Quiet.”

“Huh.”

“I probably went overboard with the date,” I say glumly. “Since we’re supposed to be fuck buddies.”

“Hmmm.” Benny shrugs.

“I know I’m an oddball.” I turn my glass in my hand. “Relationships aren’t for people like me. I’m wrapped up in my own life. Hockey takes a lot of time and commitment.”

“Oh, yeah, that’s why all hockey players are single,” Benny says.

“Sarcasm.” I lift my glass to him. “Point taken.”

“You’re not that wrapped up in your own life.” Smitty’s forehead furrows. “You took on a baby. You didn’t have to do that.”

“I didn’t have much choice.”

“Sure, you did. You could’ve given Willa a pile of money and sent her on her way.”

“I never even thought of doing that.”

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