Page 111 of Keeping the Score

“See?”

“Even so, I’m better off alone.”

“You’re not alone, man.” Benny shakes his head. “You have us. We’re a team.”

“I’m alone in that net.”

They all give me incredulous looks.

“What the fuck?” Benny demands. “What does that mean?”

“It’s true. It’s the life of a goalie. Nobody else to blame when I screw up.”

“How thefuckdid you make it this far in hockey without knowing you have a whole team backing you up?” Benny nearly shouts.

My eyes shift. “Uh…”

“Sure, you may be alone in net. But what you face depends a lot on how we play in front of you,” Smitty says. “When we play shitty,weletyoudown.”

“And you’re not always alone. The other night when you were out of position and they got the puck,Imade a save,” Crusher says. “I got your back. That’s my job.”

“Also, you and Bender are a team,” Dilly points out. “You always congratulate him on a win, and when he plays well. You always help him during practices. And he supports you, too. You two challenge each other and make each other better.”

Another valid argument. I’m starting to feel like an idiot.

“I’m set in my ways,” I mumble. “Too regimented. I like routine.”

They all nod.

“But you’re not uncoachable,” Smitty says, reminding me of that conversation we had. “On the ice, anyway. Off the ice… maybe you are.”

I rub my forehead, thinking.Open to doing things differently… changing up a routine… willing to learn…“It pissed me off at first, when Tilly came. I couldn’t stick to my schedule. I couldn’t go to taekwondo classes, or meditate. I felt like I was losing control of my life. But after a while… she was more important than that.”

“There you go.” Smitty nods. “If you’re trying to use that as a reason why Andi wouldn’t want to be with you, fuck that.”

I toss back another swallow of bourbon, and I’m silent for a few minutes. Finally, I say, “So what am I supposed to do? Just give them both up and… and…” My throat clogs and my jaw aches from grinding my back teeth together.

“Hell, no.” Smitty nods. “You’re going to fight for Tilly. You have to fight for Andi, too.”

“How?”

“Just tell her how you feel.” Smitty waves a hand.

“I’d rather remove my own spleen with a hockey skate,” I mumble.

“I never said it was easy.” He grimaces. “But you have to. Otherwise you’ll never really know how she feels.”

“That seems… logical.” But this idea strikes terror into my heart. Because it’s becoming even more clear what my biggest fear really is. Yeah, I’m afraid of losing them. But I’m terrified of putting myself out there… admitting I need someone. I’m terrified she’ll reject me. Because I’m not worth loving.

But these guys… they’ve tried to show me that maybe I am worth it. That I’m not too selfish for someone to love. That I don’t have to be alone.

Be the shark.

“What?”

Oh, shit. I guess I said that out loud? I swallow. “You can be the shark and rule the ocean, or you can be a goldfish and wait for fish food in the fishbowl.”

They all regard me with bewildered expressions again.

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