Page 113 of Keeping the Score

She makes a gurgling noise.

“Thanks.”

I push to my feet. Ford sits on the couch, Tilly on his lap, and I sit next to them, trying to act like I haven’t just bawled my eyes out.

“I’ve never seen you cry,” he says to me, appearing distressed. “I don’t like it.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Tell me what’s wrong.”

“What do youthinkis wrong?” I cry.

“Jesus.” He swallows. “Okay. I know.”

He doesn’t know all the reasons I’m crying.

“I just…” I hiccup. “I just was thinking about what’s going to happen and… I…”

“What?” He smooths his thumb along my wet cheekbone. “Tell me. Please.”

“I don’t know what’s going to happen, but I know I’m going to miss Tilly.” And I sob again.

He stares at me. “Yeah?”

I bob my head, feeling my lips push out. “I started packing some of her things. I don’t know if you’ll take her with you? Or take her things? Or… have you already seen Willa?”

“No. I haven’t seen her. Andi…” He stops. “You really care about her.”

“Of course I care about her!” My voice rises as my emotions surge. Does he not know that? I lift my gaze to his face and he watches me closely, an anxious expression on his face. But also… his eyes light up with… something.

“Andi…”

Fuck it. I’m just going to tell him. “I know I have n-no right, but… but I love Tilly. And I love you.”

His eyes widen.

My heart is galloping faster than a racehorse and my hands are shaking. “I thought I could do it. I thought I could be friends with bennies. But I fell in love with you.” And I sob again.

Tilly stretches an arm out to me, wiggling her fingers, her forehead creased.

I take her hand and smile at her. “I’m okay, honey bunny.” I kiss her fingers.

Ford’s mouth opens and that light in his eyes glow brighter. “Did you say… you love me?” He gazes into my eyes and I stare back, sinking into that clear green almost as if I’m falling through cool sea water.

“Yes,” I whisper. “I’m sorry. I know that wasn’t our agreement… but I fell in love with you. Both of you.”

“Don’t apologize.” He closes his eyes, his mouth tightening briefly. “Do not apologize for that.” He opens his eyes and focuses on me. “Because I’m in love with you, too.”

My heart is beating so loud I can’t hear anything but that. Did he really just say that?

“I love you,” he says again, a rough edge to his voice, and as I search his face, I see the hint of strain in the corners of his eyes. His hand on my cheek trembles ever so slightly.

“Oh.” My pulse races, my head helium-light. “Oh.”

The corners of his mouth lift. “Yeah.” Now a thumb brushes over my lips. “But…” His Adam’s apple rises and falls. “But Andi… I have Tilly. I’m not going to let her go. Are you okay with that?”

My eyebrows slope down and my mouth opens but nothing comes out. Finally, I manage to whisper, “I don’t understand that. I love you. And I love Tilly.”

---