Page 114 of Keeping the Score

“You said you didn’t want kids. You and Trevor agreed to that. But I have a kid.”

Ohhhhh. My heart expands. “Ford.” I hold the eye contact. “I love you. And I love her. I know she has to be with her mother and I want her to be happy and loved. But she needs her dad just like she needs her mom. I’ll support you whatever you want to do. I’ll help you fight for her.”

He nods, still looking apprehensive. “I would understand if you wanted to go back to your regular life.”

I tilt my head, pressure building behind my eyes again. “I don’t want that.”

The relief that flows over his face is incandescent. His eyes blaze and his mouth curves into a smile. “You are so fucking perfect.”

One corner of my mouth lifts. “Hardly.”

“Perfect for me.” He lowers his head to kiss me. When his lips touch mine, I open for him. The kiss is long and deep and achingly sweet.

This is really happening. He loves me, too. Joy pours through me, lightening my limbs, warming my soul.

We draw apart, but only inches. I can see the darker green ring around his irises, his thick eyelashes, the tiny mole at the outer corner of his left eye. We sit like that for a moment, just looking. I touch my fingertips to his face and he cups my jaw with one hand.

“I haven’t seen Willa,” he finally says. “I wanted to come here first, because I wanted to tell you how I feel about you. Because I wanted you to know that before I go see Willa. Because whatever happens… even if Willa wants full custody of Tilly and I have to give her back and fight for her… I love you and I want you in my life.”

A smile quivers on my lips. “I was so afraid… I was sure that without Tilly here, we had no future together. You wouldn’t need me.”

“I need you,” he says in a low voice. “I needyou. Not to look after Tilly. I need you for me. I need your optimism. Your wisdom. Your sense of humor and how you never give up. Don’t ever change that.” He holds my gaze steadily. “Once you said your optimism might be a weakness, but I disagree. It’s a strength. And your loyalty. I love that about you.”

My heart nearly explodes in my chest.

“I need you in my life to open my eyes to the whole world outside of hockey. I always told myself I didn’t need anyone else. But you and Tilly both showed me I do. I never knew how much I could love someone. Sometimes it hurts, I love you so much.”

I blink wet eyelashes at him, nodding. “I kept thinking about our agreement. You said you didn’t want a relationship. I was afraid to admit I wanted more than just screwing around.”

He closes his eyes as if in pain. “I’ve always been on my own. I didn’t want to rely on anyone else. I was a selfish dick.”

I make a noise in my throat and shake my head.

“Yeah, I was. Still am. But I’m working on it.” He holds my gaze steadily. “I was so focused on being a better goaltender. Butnow I want to be a better man. For you. And a better father. For Tilly.”

My heart turns over in my chest and the corners of my eyes sting. I don’t want to cry again. I’m already a mess.

“I have so much more to tell you. But I have to go see Willa. We’ll talk later.”

“Okay.” I’m still scared about what’s going to happen. But Ford and I will be together no matter what. We can do it—together. “Are you taking Tilly?”

“Yeah. Willa asked me to bring her.”

My stomach plunges all the way to my toes. “Will you leave her with Willa?”

“We didn’t discuss that. But no. Not today.” His jaw hardens. “We’ll figure out a plan for that.”

“Okay. Let’s get her ready. She probably needs a diaper change.”

“Yeah. I’ll do it. Come on, little girl.”

He carries her into her room and I almost lose it, but I have to keep it together. I yank stuff out of the diaper bag and then repack it with things they’ll need for the afternoon. I pick up her favorite bunny stuffy and add it into the bag.

When Ford comes back, he hands Tilly to me. I smile down at her. Thank God for all those pictures on my phone. She’s so beautiful and perfect. She smiles back at me. “I love you, Tilly. So much.” I give her a gentle squeeze. “You go see your mom. She loves you, too.”

We get her into her jacket and a hat, buckle her into the car seat, and Ford picks it up.

My eyes are wet, but I’m keeping my head up and my spine straight. “Good luck.”

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