Page 116 of Keeping the Score

I fill Willa in on Tilly’s milestones. When Willa wipes some drool from Tilly’s chin, I add, “And she’s teething.”

“Are you getting teeth? Are you?” Willa coos and smiles at her.

This is surreal, watching Willa with her baby, me telling her about milestones. My brain is still reeling from this whole situation.

Willa glances up at me. “I guess you have questions.”

I make a helpless gesture.

“I know.” She makes a face. “This all really, really sucks.” Her voice catches. “Obviously you can see I’m sick.”

I nod, a hockey puck now stuck in my throat.

“I’m not going to get better,” she continues softly. “This is a palliative care facility. There’s nothing more they can do for me other than manage my pain. I might still have months left… but we don’t know… and I didn’t want to leave it too long.” She pauses and clears her throat. “I wanted to see Matilda one more time and also explain everything to you.”

“God, Willa. I’m so sorry.”

She nods. “I’ve come to terms with it. It’s been a really long haul. I fought so hard. For Matilda.” She stops again and looks at Tilly, getting control. “I’m sorry, baby. I tried really hard for you.”

My nose stings and my eyes burn. Jesus.

“I’m sorry for how I handled this,” she says. “I lied to you.”

“Your parents…?”

“My mom passed away years ago from Covid. My dad… I never really knew. He lives in California. They were an excuse. I couldn’t deal with the treatment I was having and look after Tilly. I thought you would be the best one to take her. I did plan to tell you about her… but my life got off course. And I hoped that I’d get through this and come back for her.” She looks up at me, her eyes full of anguish. “I know we didn’t know each other well, but I liked you. My gut told me that you would look after her.”

“I didn’t want her,” I say hoarsely. “At first. I’m ashamed of that now. Willa… I want you to know that I love her so much.”

“I’m so glad.” Her smile is sad. “But how could you not?”

I attempt a smile, too. “Right?”

“I saw pictures of you and Tilly online. At one of your games. It was so cute seeing you and Tilly at the glass. Was that your girlfriend with her?”

“Yes. Andi.”

“You all looked so happy. When I saw that, I knew… I made the right decision.”

Jesus. I cough. “Andi loves Tilly, too.”

“Thank you for telling me that.”

I’m disintegrating. Unraveling. I pull in a deep breath, trying to hold it together.

“I have some things to go over with you,” Willa says, gesturing to a box and some papers on the table. “Some legal things. I’ve taken care of everything.”

“Okay.” I slide the box over closer to us with shaking hands.

A few hours later, I walk out with Tilly. And yeah… there are tears on my face. I cannot imagine the strength it must have taken Willa to do all this. Her story ripped a huge hole in my gut.

I get Tilly buckled in and I sit in the driver’s seat for a long time, staring sightlessly out of the window. My hands clench into fists and I close my eyes, everything inside me burning and raw.

Tilly’s annoyed cries penetrate my fog of misery.

I turn around. “What’s wrong, niblet? You want to get home?”

Willa just gave her a bottle and I changed her diaper before we left. I think she’s just antsy sitting in the stationary car. I start the engine.

---