Page 119 of Keeping the Score

I hate myself for that.

She made the biggest sacrifice possible for her daughter. And made sure her daughter was going to be looked after when she was gone. The selflessness of her love for Tilly overwhelms me.

I don’t have that in me. I told Ford I’d be there for him no matter what, but now he’s going to be a full-time father, forever. And I hate myself even more when I think about how I wished that Tilly could stay with Ford forever because he loves her and doesn’t want to lose her. “This is not what I wanted,” I sob out loud.

The guilt of wishing for something that came true, but at such cost to others, has my stomach swirling to the point I think I might vomit. If only I could go back and change those thoughts! I am the worst person in the world.

I drag myself off the bed and trudge to the bathroom to wash my face. I peer at my reflection in the mirror, my face red, my eyes swollen.

I’m not Tilly’s mother. I don’t deserve to be. But I love that tiny little human.

There’s no biological connection. How can I love her so much?

But I also love Ford. And Elodie. In different ways, of course, but there’s no biological connection there either. Clearly there doesn’t have to be, to love someone. You love them for who they are.

My love for Tilly didn’t happen immediately. It grew over time. There were challenges and frustrations. But it grew, fierce and strong and boundless.

Making myself take deep, slow breaths, I dry my hands. The reality that Tilly is not leaving is sinking in. I want to be happy, but how can I? Willa is dying.Tilly’s momis dying. It’s such a massive conflict inside me, I don’t know how to deal with it.

I told Ford I’d be there for him no matter what. Am I really ready for this new future? Can I be a mother figure to Tilly?What will that mean for me and Ford? How much will my life change?

My head aches and I swallow an Advil capsule, then wander back to my bed. I’m so tired. Drained.

I take off my clothes and pull on my softest pajamas, then curl up in a ball under the covers. I feel hollow and cold. Freezing. My thoughts are blurry and floating. I can’t catch any one of them before it drifts away. And I sleep again.

In the morning, I’m stiff and sore and queasy. I guzzle a glass of water and make myself a piece of toast so I have something in my stomach.

I had a dream. It was crazy. But it’s stuck in my head. It’s something I need to do.

I find my phone, amazed it’s not dead. As my stomach churns at what I’m contemplating, I’m not sure if the toast was a good idea.

I unlock my phone and see all the messages from Ford. My bottom lip pushes out unhappily. I just took off, freaking out, cowardly. I close my eyes and take a deep breath. I have to do this.

It takes some doing, but finally I get her on the phone. I swallow the excess saliva in my mouth. “Willa? My name is Andi Marsh.”

Silence.

“I’m Ford Archibald’s girlfriend.” Ialmosthesitate on the word girlfriend.

“I know who you are.” Her voice is soft. “I saw pictures of you online with Matilda.”

I sink my teeth briefly into my bottom lip. “Yes.” I pull air into my lungs, lost for a moment. “Ford mentioned where you are. I hope I’m not… I don’t want to…”Fuck.I close my eyes and tip my head back. “This is probably nuts, but I felt like I needed to talk to you.”

“Okay.”

“I don’t know where to start.” I rub at the ache in my throat and swallow once. Twice. “I want you to know that I love Tilly. Matilda. I love her so much. I never thought I wanted children, and honestly, I was afraid of her at first.” I choke out a laugh. “But she made me fall in love with her and now I would do anything for her. Anything. That’s what I want you to know.”

“Thank you.”

“I can’t imagine being in your situation. I am so, so sorry. I admire you so much, though, for your love for your daughter and your selflessness. Your sacrifice.” My voice is trembling. “It won’t be in vain. Ford and I will take care of her and love her. And we’ll make sure that when she’s old enough to understand, she knows you and your love for her.”

“Oh.” I can’t see Willa, but I hear her choked voice. For a moment, she says nothing, then, “Thank you. I appreciate that. This is so hard.”

“Yeah. I’m sure it is.” I’m trying not to lose my shit again, like I did yesterday.

“I love her so much. More than anything. That’s the hardest part. But knowing she’s loved… that means so much.”

Relief floods my body, weakening my legs, and I sink onto a stool at my kitchen counter. “I didn’t want to make things worse. Or hurt you.”

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