Page 121 of Keeping the Score

I have a little person to attend to, though, and somehow, I know that chasing after Andi isn’t the best idea right now.

So I leave her be, hoping she’s figuring things out and that what she’s figuring out still includes me. I take Tilly for a walk.Give her a bath. I make myself eat dinner. And I get us both to bed. Tonight, she’s the one sleeping and I’m not.

There’s a lot to think about. Willa. Tilly. Andi.

Weirdly, I don’t think about hockey. Maybe I should.

In the morning, Lieve arrives because I have a goddamn practice. How in the cinnamon toast fuck am I supposed to focus on hockey right now? All I can think about is Andi down the hall, doing what I don’t know.

I’m so fucking afraid that what she said meant,I’m out, forever, have a nice life.

But also… Andi’s not that cowardly. She said she loves me and I believe her. And I know she loves Tilly. I have to have faith in her strength and courage and positivity. Yeah.

Focusing on hockey is the easy part, though. The hard part is the guys asking me questions about what happened with Andi. Did I tell her how I feel? What happened with Willa? What’s going to happen with Tilly?

“I don’t want to talk about it,” I snarl at them. “Let’s focus on hockey.”

I see the surprise and concern on their faces. I suck in a deep breath. “It’s been rough,” I tell them in a muted tone. “I’ll tell you all. Just not today.”

They all give me space, thank fuck.

I throw myself into the practice, giving it my all. It does distract me from all the other shit that happened. Burning some adrenaline helps. Being physically spent helps. After I shower and get dressed, I check my phone for messages or calls from Andi. There’s nothing. Shit.

I leave right away to get home, hoping Andi’s working through things. Trying to stay positive.

Mid-afternoon, I’m sitting on the couch with Tilly, giving her a bottle. She’s holding it in her little hands, using the handles on the new bottle we got her. She’s growing up.

There’s a soft knock on the door, then it opens and Andi walks in.

My heart fucking stops.

We stare at each other. She’s so goddamn beautiful, even though she looks tired and sad.

Tilly sees her, takes the nipple out of her mouth, and says happily, “Amamagabama.”

Andi smiles at her. “Hi to you, too.”

She looks back at me. I hold her gaze steadily, no doubt all my questions showing on my face as I extend a hand to her.

She walks over and sits beside me and takes my hand, curling her fingers around mine and leaning her head on my shoulder. “I’m sorry,” she whispers. “I lost it.”

“Are you okay now?”

“Not entirely. But I will be.”

“It’s hard.”

“It is. It’s huge. I felt overwhelmed. Doubtful. Scared.”

“I get it.”

She tells me how terrible she feels about Willa and how guilty she feels—I get that too—and how sad she is for Tilly.

“I know, sweetheart. I know. This is so fu—, I mean effed up.”

“Yes.”

“I’m going to put Tilly down for a nap. We can talk more.”

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