Page 14 of Keeping the Score

Ford purses his lips as he lifts his glass. After he swallows, he says, “I thought you were over him.”

My eyebrows tug together. “I… am. I guess.”

“You guess? Do you still want to get back together with him?”

His question takes me aback. There have definitely been times I’ve imagined Trevor coming back to me, apologetic and begging for forgiveness, admitting he made a terrible mistake. It’s a fantasy to imagine the man who broke your heart is also broken-hearted and repentant, hurting as much as he hurt you.

But if that happened, how would I react? Would I really forgive him? Would I really take him back after what he did?

“I… I don’t know. I mean, he’s with someone else. And they’re having a baby. So no.”

“What if he wasn’t with someone else?”

I meet Ford’s eyes, but it’s uncomfortable because he’s looking at me so steadily and intently, and I look away. “I don’t know. It was more than just him falling for another woman.”

“What was it?”

“It was… the fact that I’d supported him all those years. We got married when we were young. I put myself through college and supported us so he could play ball. So he could pursue his dream. I…” I stop, my throat closing up. “I wanted to be a veterinarian. But that takes years of school. So I did a business degree instead. Trevor always told me that I’d get my turn to follow my dreams once he’d made it. But then…” I clear my throat. “Just when that happened, when he finally made it to the big league, and I was starting to apply to vet schools, he… lost interest in me.”

It fucking hurts to admit that. Even though it’s been almost two years since it happened, I still sometimes question why I wasn’t good enough for him. Why wasn’t I enough?

And yeah, my friends have tried to shut that down and reassure me that Iamenough, that he just wasn’t the right man, and I mostly believe that, but there are times when I’m feeling low and those doubts creep back in.

I watch Ford’s face change, going from relaxed to stony with narrowed eyes, then neutral. “He’s an idiot.”

I smile. “Thanks. You’re good for my ego.” He’s been so kind and compassionate tonight. I’m not sure why I’m a little surprised; maybe it’s because I’ve mostly seen his cocky, dirty, flirty side.

His shoulder lifts in a barely-there shrug.

I drain my martini glass, feeling a welcome buzz. The waiter instantly appears. “Another one?”

“Sure.” I look at Ford, but he lifts his half-full glass and shakes his head. “Anyway.” I look down at the table. “It’s over between us. He’s moved on.”

“And you seem to have moved on, with all those guys you date.”

I make a face. “Yeah. That’s the only kind of relationship I want. Not serious. Just fun.”

I’ll always love Trevor, in some ways. I’ll always love the Trevor he was when things were good—when we were young and in love and had so much fun together. But that Trevor is gone. I’ll never have a relationship like that again. And that’s okay. Obviously my judgment about men is flawed. Professional athletes clearly are only concerned with themselves—with their careers and getting ahead.

And as supportive as Ford is, I know he’s exactly the same.

And that’s why we’re just friends.

5

FORD

Thank God the season is starting soon. Summer makes me crazy—all that free time. I like structure, so I make sure my off season is busy with taekwondo, yoga, and of course hockey workouts with Victor.

My teammates are back in town—those who left for the summer—and it’s great to see them and hang out again. I stayed here in Hoboken instead of going home to Erie because I wanted to work with Victor.

Today I’m at the grand opening of a new facility for the organization Keeping Kids Safe. Our newly anointed team captain Benny is being introduced up on the dais. I’m glad he’s our new captain. He’s a quiet guy who doesn’t say much (although he can chirp with the best of them on the ice) but he’s a good leader. Along with the progress the team made last season, I like our chances this year of not only making the playoffs but making a deep run for the cup.

Which is why I was so determined to improve my game over the summer.

We all clap and hoot exuberantly for our new captain as we watch him walk up to the mic.

“Thank you, Sue,” Benny says. “I’m thrilled to be a part of this group and to give back to the community. I’m proud to use my voice and platform to give kids who need it a voice. Hockey is a team sport and we all know how important it is to stand together, and kids who’ve experienced abuse also need a team around them.”

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