Page 28 of Keeping the Score

Andi watches with amusement. Matilda seems to be taking it all in. Then it’s bedtime. Thank Christ. I’m exhausted.

When Matilda’s asleep, Andi and I fall onto the couch again. I let out a long exhale. “This is a lot of work.”

“It really is.” She bites her lip. “No wonder new moms are exhausted.”

“What am I gonna do?” I ask again. “I don’t have time for this! My schedule is all messed up. I should be at the gym, training with Victor. I didn’t meditate. And it’s bathroom cleaning day.”

She presses her lips together, nodding slowly, giving me a long look. She opens her mouth, then closes it.

“What?”

She speaks hesitantly. “I think you might have to let go of your schedule while you have the baby.”

Panic seizes me. My nostrils flare and my blood runs cold. “No. I can’t do that.”

“You have to find a nanny,” she reiterates. “But until you do… you’re on your own.”

Fuck. I really am. My hockey teammates and buddies aren’t going to be any help with a baby. My parents are leaving for Europe soon. An overwhelming sense of helplessness fills me, my breathing quickening. “I don’t know how to be a dad.”

“Look,” Andi says quietly. “I’ll do what I can to help. But I’m in the middle of a big new contract and I just signed deals with two more clients. And I already said, I know nothing about babies. But I can try to help out until you find a nanny.”

Relief slides through me. I’m not entirely comforted, because I know Andi’s busy. Her business is important to her. And she’s kind of terrified of Matilda. But at least she’s another adult. Although I know I can’t ask her to look after Matilda for hours while I go to the gym.

This is really going to fuck up my plans for this year. I’ve made so much improvement to my game. I’m eager for training camp to start so I can show off my gains. But now… that’s all trashed.

My teeth grind together and my muscles tense.

“What’s wrong?” Andi asks warily.

I close my eyes briefly on the rush of heat through my body. “I’m pissed.”

“Um… why?”

“Why do you think?” I snap. I open my eyes and see her expression. “Sorry. Sorry. I’m…”

“Pissed,” she replies helpfully.

“Yeah.” I suck in air. “I’ve worked so hard all summer. I’ve grown my game so much. And now… I have a baby left on my doorstep?—”

She snorts softly.

“Well, almost. I have all this responsibility dumped on me out of the blue and it’s fucking my whole life up. Training camp starts Thursday and I need to be in top shape to perform!”

“I get it.” She pauses. “Do you have any family who could come help?”

I shake my head. “My parents are leaving for Europe soon for a few months.”

“Whoa. Okay.”

“I can’t ask them to give that up. They’ve wanted to do this forever. And they gave up so much for me, my whole life.” I can only imagine their reaction to me knocking up someone in a one-night stand and ending up a father. Jesus.

“And you’re an only child.”

“Yeah.”

She regards me with a look on her face that makes me want to squirm. “So who are you mad at? Them? Me?”

“No! Not you.” I shake my head. “I’m not mad at anyone. I’m not mad at Matilda. It’s not her fault, for Chrissake. Maybe I’m a little mad at Willa. I’m just mad at…” I gesture widely. “All of it.”

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