Page 29 of Keeping the Score

And I don’t say it out loud, but I’m mostly mad at myself, because I know I’m acting like a selfish asshole. Because Iama selfish asshole. And Ihateneeding help. When I was a kid, I vowed I would never need anyone else. I would only rely on myself. Asking for help makes me feel weak. I hate feeling like that.

I’ve been focused on my career and I’m too selfish to look after someone else. And right now, I’m pissed that someoneisdepending on me. And apparently Idoneed someone.

“You can do this,” Andi says calmly. “I’ll help. You’ll find a great nanny. It’ll be hard, but you got this.”

Her calm optimism and faith in me takes my anxiety down a notch. She’s always positive. Even after being betrayed and dumped by her ex, she got through the heartbreak and pain and regained her ability to always see something good.

I can try that, too.

9

ANDI

Luckily, Ford finds a nanny quickly. I guess when you’re desperate you can make things happen. Also, he has money, which probably helps. So I only have to help out with Matilda for a few days.

I admit that I’m nervous around her. I don’t know what her sounds mean. I don’t know what the crying means. I don’t know what to do with her.

She is kind of cute, though. Those intelligent eyes just like Ford’s watch my every move. When she tries to talk, her little mouth forms into the cutest shapes and it’s adorable. And when she smiles… oh dear God, that melts my insides into slush. Her smiles are getting more frequent, especially with Ford, but also with me. When I hand her a toy and her eyes light up and she beams a smile and reaches for it with both hands, I get weird sensations in my chest.

But there are times I’m frustrated and her cuteness doesn’t help. The day training camp starts, I obviously have to look after her. Ford can’t miss that. He’s skipped taekwondo classes, workouts, meditations, and has started carrying Matilda aroundin a baby sling on his chest so he can get his cleaning done. But I have a virtual meeting today so this could be tricky.

I bring her to my apartment so I can hold my meeting. She’s really good and happy as I play with her, although I’m anxiously checking the clock, watching the time pass. I have to get her to sleep before my meeting starts. So even though she’s still bright-eyed and energetic, I try rocking her to sleep then laying her in her bed. Her eyes close and she’s quiet. Yay!

Just in time for my meeting.

But as I present to my clients, she starts wailing. I have the baby monitor on, so the sound isloud.Crap.

I see the startled looks on my clients’ faces. I don’t know what to do. I can’t mute myself because I’m the one presenting. I reach over and turn off the baby monitor. I can still hear Matilda in the other room, but I’m not sure if others can. I continue talking, but fuck! I can’t concentrate with the baby crying like that. Maybe she’s dying!

“I’m so sorry,” I say with as much apology in my tone as I can muster. “Can we break for just a moment? I have something I need to attend to.”

They agree and I mute and jump up to run to the living room where Matilda’s in her little bed. She lifts her arms to me pleadingly, her face contorted. What can I do but pick her up?

“What do you need, sweetheart?” I gather her into my arms, only slightly more comfortable holding her than I was a few days ago. “Are you hungry? Wet?” I feel her little padded butt. The diaper seems dry. I’ll try a bottle, but dammit, I need to get back to my meeting. Maybe I can feed her with my camera off?

That’s really going to impress a client.

Shit. I thought I could handle this today.

I make a bottle of formula as quickly as I can then carry Matilda back to the office. She grabs the bottle with both hands and eagerly chows down. As I approach my computer, I realizeI left my camera on… and I’m not wearing pants. I was running out of time before the meeting, so I just grabbed a suit jacket and threw it on over my T-shirt.

They must have had quite the view when I ran out of my office.

Fire climbs from my chest up into my face as I quickly take my seat, turn off the camera and turn on the mic. “I’m so sorry. I’m helping out a friend today and this little one isn’t cooperating.” I laugh lightly. “I’ll just keep my camera off while we talk for now. So back to where we were.”Where were we?I fumble with one hand for my notes. Okay. “Pay-per-click advertising lets us reach audiences on news and other websites and digital platforms through paid ads. We can set up PPC campaigns on Google, Bing, LinkedIn, X, Pinterest, and Facebook. These campaigns segment users based on their demographics or their particular interests or location, which is hugely powerful.”

“Which platforms would you recommend for us?” Joe Edison asks.

“Definitely Google and Facebook,” I reply, and launch into more details about click-through rates, conversion rates, and social media traffic. Meanwhile, Matilda is happily sucking down her formula and I’m relaxing a little. When she finishes, I manage to sit her up on my lap and pat her back as I talk. I’m pretty proud of myself… until she lets out the biggest belch I’ve ever heard from her. Right in the middle of a pause in my presentation.

Luckily they can’t see my face, but I can see theirs. Joe looks startled, and Hugo bursts out laughing.

I guess laughter is good?

“I am so sorry,” I say again. I can’t help thinking how proud of her Ford would be. He’s unreasonably obsessed with herbodily noises. I almost want to laugh, but I rein it in. “Let’s move on!”

Somehow, we get through the rest of the meeting and as I end it, I can only hope that the unprofessional interruptions don’t lose me this client. I blow out a breath and look at Matilda, who is holding a toy to her mouth and sucking on both it and her fingers. She gazes back at me placidly. “You better not have cost me that job.” But I say it in a gentle tone so she knows I don’t mean it. I mean, she probably doesn’t understand, but I don’t want her to think I’m really angry at her.

I may be a little frustrated.

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