Page 31 of Keeping the Score

“Nobody is good enough to look after your baby girl.”

He shrugs again.

To be honest… that’s kind of hot.

No. I mean, I like it. He didn’t want this. But… it seems like he does care about his baby.

“Does that include me?” Oh, shit. Why did I ask that? I’m not going to help. Ican’t.

He blinks at me, lips parting. “No. Of course not.”

Well. I’m glad he trusts me. Although I’m probably theleastqualified person. I open my mouth, then snap it shut.

We stare at each other, the air thickening around us.

“Help me, Andi,” he eventually says, his voice low and rough.

Shit. I know how hard it is for him to ask for help. Not that he often needs it. But… he’s always been there to help me.

I turn and walk away from him in his condo, over to the window overlooking the street. I can’t do this. I just can’t. This business is everything to me. After losing my husband, my work friend, and my job… this is all I have left. Ihaveto be a success at this. How can I do that and look after a baby? We’ve already had one Zoom fail. I can’t keep doing that.

Thoughts roll through my head. I hate seeing Ford so dejected. He cares about that baby and obviously wants her to be safe and looked after. But he’s also dedicated to his career. I get that, too. This season is important to him in breaking out as the team’s number one goalie. He’s clearly conflicted about those two competing interests.

He’s always been there for me—after my marriage ended, he made sure I was eating and not drowning my sorrows in boxed wine and popcorn, making sure I got dressed some days by taking me out for lunch, and making me laugh with proposals likeLet’s play carpenter. First we’ll get hammered, then I’ll nail you. He helped me with so many things—repairs around the condo, killing spiders, watching movies with me when I didn’t want to be alone. I feel an unreasonable obligation to him. Maybe it’s not unreasonable. We’re friends. That’s what friends do, right? Help each other. Support each other. Make each other laugh.

Maybe I’m not being a good enough friend to him. It’s about give and take, right? Yes, I’m busy. Yes, my new business is important to me. And yes, it’s important to me to succeed. But Ford’s important, too. And okay… so is Matilda, the little scamp.

Think positive. That’s always my motto. Like my mom always says, nobody ever damaged their eyesight by looking at the bright side.

I can look after a baby. It’s natural! How hard can it be?

I turn to face Ford. “I’ll help. We’ll get through this together. But we need some rules.”

He smiles. “I like rules.”

10

FORD

Andi and I sat down with my hockey schedule and her schedule and mapped out exactly when she’d need to look after Matilda. I shared the schedule I created for Matilda, although Andi seemed unsure of it. I let her look at my planner so she knows what days I schedule various things like cleaning and laundry and other appointments. She agreed to go for CPR training, but also made me agree that I have to respect her business time and also, I made her promise she would not post any pictures of Matilda on social media.

I haven’t said a word to any of the guys about Matilda. Which means I’ve been acting weird, but that’s the usual for me so they haven’t even wondered what’s going on.

I don’t know why I haven’t told them. Maybe because it’s so huge. And weird. Like, who really gets a baby dropped on their doorstep?

Me. That’s who.

I guess I’m a little afraid of how they’re going to react. They know I’m not good father material. They’ll probably call child protection services. I don’t know.

On the other hand, announcing I have a baby is the kind of bizarreness they expect from me.

I at least need to let Coach know that I’m dealing with some stuff in my personal life. I’ve tried not to let it impact my play, but I know it has. I worked so fucking hard all summer and I don’t feel I’ve really shown everyone what I can do. I’m the Net Ninja. My self-discipline and focus is legendary. And here I am all rattled by a twelve-pound girl.

So I’m meeting with Coach in his office. Training camp is done and our last practice before the regular season just ended. He’s going to freak out.

“So, I, uh, have some news to share with you,” I begin. “A few weeks ago, I became a father.”

He blinks at me, his expression wooden. “A father.”

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