Page 33 of Keeping the Score

“No cucumbers!” I call back. “I hate cucumbers.”

He shrugs and starts spooning food into a big bowl.

“I have an announcement to make.”

All heads turn toward me. Silence descends.

“What is it?” Benny asks, shifting on the couch to fully face me, concern etched on his forehead.

After last season’s tragic car accident involving Alfie and his wife and child, they’re probably all afraid I’m going to say something terrible. I swallow and lift my hands. “It’s okay. It’s just some, uh, unexpected news.” I pause, then square my shoulders. “A few weeks ago I had a visit from a woman, I, uh, hooked up with last year.”

Some eyes widen. Some brows furrow. The silence deepens.

“Yeah. She had a baby with her. A little girl. Who is mine.” I pause for a deep breath, then lower my ass to the arm of one couch.

“Holy shit,” Benny says, and other guys mumble similar curses.

“Right? Well.” I explain the rest of the story to them, trying to gloss over how much this has completely derailed my life. I don’t need everyone feeling sorry for me. I’m doing enough of thatmyself. “My friend next door has agreed to help but I still have to keep looking for a full-time nanny. Except I’m not really sure how long Willa’s going to be gone.”

“Oh, man.” Turks bounds up. “We’ll all help! You’re not in this alone.”

Everyone mutters agreement.

“Absolutely,” Benny says, nodding. “What can we do?”

“Holly and I can help,” Turks says, naming his wife. They have two young kids. “Holly can babysit if you need.”

“Maybe you should check with her before offering her services.”

He freezes. “Riiiiight. But I know she’ll be willing, she loves kids.”

“Us, too,” Shawzy speaks up. “We have our hands full with three, but we can help. Do you need diaper lessons? I have lots of sleep tips.”

“I need all the tips I can get.” I rub my forehead, my heart turning the consistency of pablum in my chest at all their support. “Thank you.”

“When can we meet her?” Shawzy asks. “What’s her name?”

“Her name is Matilda. Matilda Grace. She’s four months old.” Some weird emotion presses behind my sternum. “And I guess you can meet her whenever you want. Tomorrow?” We have a day off before our first regular season game on Monday night.

“Okay, great.”

Not everyone can come, and notably Alfie is quiet. I totally understand. It would be so fucking hard to see Matilda when he just lost his little guy so tragically. But the rest of the guys all make arrangements to come over Sunday afternoon.

I pull my utensils out of my pocket and eat my shawarma chicken bowl, without cucumbers. It’s delicious. The chef here spoils us with all the meals and snacks they provide. Then I take off to relieve Andi. It’s Saturday so she doesn’t have meetings,but she still has work to do and also, she might like a little time to herself.

I really am grateful for her help.

I let myself into my condo and find the two girls on the living room floor. Andi’s leaning against the couch, legs bent, Matilda on her thighs facing her. “What does a cow say?” Andi asks. “Mooooooooo.” And Matilda giggles with that infectious, enchanting baby laugh. My feet halt for a split second as I watch Andi laugh, too, and God… she’s beautiful. Her smile for Matilda is tender and affectionate and real.

She looks up at me and her smile broadens. “Hey! Daddy’s home!”

Daddy.Jesus. Something winds tight around my chest and windpipe. I feel like I can’t breathe. I force myself to walk toward them and crouch down. I smile back at Andi. “Hi.”

“Hi.”

Then I look at Matilda. She holds her arms out to me and kicks her legs, making little grunting noises. I laugh and pick her up, my fingers brushing Andi’s thighs as I do so. I ignore that. “Hey, pretty girl. What are you doing?”

She’s wearing an outfit I haven’t seen before, little cable-knit pants and a matching sweater in a cream color. “What are you wearing? You look cozy.”

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