Page 38 of Keeping the Score

I grin. I’ve heard that nickname. It’s hilarious.

Well, so much for getting with one of these guys tonight. There’s no way I can sleep with a hockey player from a rival team.

And honestly? I don’t really want to. I keep thinking about Ford. I don’t think he’d be mad if I did that, but… I don’t know. The idea has lost its appeal.

Sunday afternoon, the thin wall between my place and Ford’s becomes apparent again. This time it’s not Tilly crying, thankfully. It’s a lot of deep voices and booming laughter. What the hell? Is he having a party over there?

Oh, right. He said some of his friends were coming over to meet the baby. I hope they’re having fun. I’m trying to work on a new ad campaign for one of my clients. The noise is distracting.

There’s no way I’m going over there to complain, though.

12

FORD

I can’t believe they did this.

My teammates started showing up at one o’clock with food and gifts.

“We’re throwing you a baby shower,” Benny explained with a grin as he carried in a charcuterie platter.

I don’t like spontaneous surprises. I like things planned and organized. Preferably by me. So this stresses me out. I’m trying to resist the urge to kick everyone out, worried about how this will affect Tilly, and pissed about all the junk food.

This is a bad attitude. Iknowthat. I just have a hard time dealing with all these feelings, and on top of everything else, I’m pissed at myself for being pissed. My muscles are all tense and my heart is thudding as I carry Tilly and watch others arrive with chips and dip, chicken wings, sliders, and a big tray of brownies.

I know how to deal with anxiety. Slow breathing. The 3-3-3 rule—looking around and identifying three objects, three sounds, then three body parts. But I don’t have patience for that right now. Tilly seems to sense my tension and fusses in my arms. I don’t know what to do, but I’m afraid I’m going to blow up and say something I’ll regret.

Andi.

Before I’ve analyzed why I think of her, I’m out the door of my condo and down the hall to hers. I don’t think the guys even notice me leaving, they’re so busy arranging food and gifts. I rap on her door.

She opens it and gives me a blank look, taking in Tilly and my probably pissed expression. “What’s wrong?”

“Can I come in?”

“Uh… sure.” She steps aside and I stomp into her living room. She follows.

“The guys are throwing us a baby shower – gifts, buffet, the lot.”

She grins. “No!”

“Yes.”

“That’s amazing!”

“I didn’t know about it. I’m…”

“Freaking out.”

“Yeah.” I rub my forehead. Tilly squirms. “They didn’t tell me! They didn’t even ask me, they just did it.”

Andi walks up and takes Tilly from me.

She’s come a long way since that first day when she wouldn’t hold her.

“Hi, sweet girl,” she says with a kiss to Tilly’s head. She looks back at me. “It’s okay, Ford.”

“I know. I know.” I start pacing. “I’m just not good with unexpected events. I’m so mad.”

---