Page 55 of Keeping the Score

I’ve got this.

Forty minutes later, I’m forced to admit I don’t got this.

Jesus Christ on a bicycle. I let in two soft goals in fifteen seconds, both of them on breakaways. The players both pushed the puck in front of them, I poked at it, missed, and they scored.

And then at the end of the period, Cassidy from the Condors pissed me off by digging for the rebound when I had the fucking puck. And I lost my shit.

“What was that about?” Coach shouts in the dressing room.

“I made the save,” I shout back. “He wanted the rebound, but I had the puck, so he hit me. It’s my fucking crease, right? I told him to get the fuck out of there. If there’s a rebound, play the puck, otherwise don’t fucking touch me.”

“Jesus Christ.” Coach shakes his head.

Tension crackles in the room.

“And how they hell did they get two breakaways?” Coach demands. “Hart was just out of the box, you gotta watch that, you gotta be on him. And the other one—Aaron and Noah, were you both fucking asleep on the blue line?”

Their faces tighten.

“Apparently,” I mutter. I was pissed off about that, too. Two breakaways in a minute!

“Hey.” Benny gives me a look.

Yeah, yeah. He’s trying to keep things positive. But this was not a positive period.

17

ANDI

This is a last resort.

We’re in Ford’s SUV driving around Hoboken in the dark. I don’t know what was going on with Tilly, but she would not go to sleep. I was trying to get her to sleep when Ford got home and he had no luck either, so we’ve strapped her into her car seat and hope the motion and noise of the car will put her to sleep.

So far, she’s quiet.

I lean my head back in the passenger seat and let out a long exhale. “Wow.”

“Maybe she’s teething.”

“I think it’s too early for that.” But I actually have no idea. I pull out my phone and open my friend Google. “Six months, usually.” I really need to do more research. Maybe there are things we should be doing for Tilly that we’re not. I’ve been winging it with help from YouTube and Google when I have a question, but I should know more about babies.

“I downloaded this app,” Ford says. “I was talking to some moms at the park.”

“Oh yeah?”

“I’m going to try to get Tilly onto a better schedule. I can’t handle much more of this lack of sleep.”

“That sounds like a good idea.”

We drive in silence for a while.

“Imight fall asleep,” I say, as city lights slide past in ebbs and flows.

“Go ahead. I got this.”

But I can’t shut my mind off, despite my fatigue. “What are you most afraid of?”

“Right now?”

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