Page 59 of Keeping the Score

I burst out laughing. “Riiiiight.”

He grins briefly. “Okay, I have. I still enjoy the odd edible. But you’re right. That would have been hypocritical of them. So instead of giving me hell, they just didn’t say anything.”

“Ah. That lack of boundaries, again.”

“Like I said, hockey saved me. Although, for a while my parents were worried about how obsessed with it I was. They thought maybe I had OCD or a developmental disorder.” He pauses and shoots me a sideways glance as if he’s afraid of how I’ll react to that.

“What did they do about that?”

“They got me seen by a child psychologist. He didn’t think I had a disorder, but when I talked about my anxiety, he helped me figure out that my need for routine and structure probably related to the lack of rules and boundaries growing up.”

“That makes sense. Kids need limits.”

“Yeah. And I never thought I would be a parent myself. But here we are. I’m gonna need to learn how to set limits for Tilly without being a total dictator.”

“Hmmmm.” Obviously, he’s learned from his experience. And yet, there are things it seems he hasn’t learned. “I’m sorry you were bullied.”

“It’s okay. I survived. I learned from it. You were talking about how you wonder if you’re defective… well, I knew I was.”

“That’s not true.”

“Sure, it is. That’s why I’ve never had a relationship. But it’s okay. As I kid, I learned that I don’t need anyone else. Other than my teammates.”

I’m silent. I hate that. I hate that for him so much. I hate that he believes that. And I hate that he’s afraid he can’t be a good dad.

“This has been quite the discussion,” he says lightly. “Think we can go home now?”

I look back at the mirror that shows Tilly’s sleeping face in the back seat. “We can try. Fingers crossed we can get her up and into bed without waking her up.”

It feels like we’re both parents, working together, like partners. We argued like a married couple. Then he made me dinner like we’re a couple. But I’m not Tilly’s parent. And Ford for sure is not my husband.

But is he still just a friend? I’m getting to know him so much better, and those idiosyncrasies that were amusing and baffling are making more sense. They’re also kind of… endearing. I like this guy.

He parks in the underground parking and carefully carries Tilly into the elevator and up to our floor. We tiptoe into his condo and he gingerly lifts her out of the car seat and lowers her into her little cot. I’m right there beside him to help with the buckle and straps and slipping her knit hat off her head.

In the dark, we stand next to each other and wait in suspense to see if she wakes up. Her eyes stay closed, her tiny mouth a perfect little rosebud. She really is a pretty baby.

Close enough to feel his body warmth and breathe in his warm, spicy scent, I turn to look at Ford and he turns too. Our eyes meet. The quiet shadows close around us, heat building.

His gaze drops to my mouth. My lips part. Excitement twists in my belly. God, I want to taste him. To feel his mouth, the rasp of his beard stubble, the hardness of his body. His eyes go heavy-lidded and I’m drifting closer to him, lips parted, a heavy ache pulsing low inside me.

Then he glances down at the sleeping baby and steps back. He holds a finger to his mouth in a “shhh” motion then shoos me out of the bedroom.

Right. Right. There’s a sleeping baby. Ford’s baby. Sweet salty Jesus. What was I doing? I’ve lost my goddamned mind.

18

ANDI

Ford’s on a road trip for three days. I did this once before and survived, but this time Elodie comes over to help. She came over this afternoon to babysit while I went out to a client meeting that had to be done at their office. And she stayed for the evening so I could catch up on work. I love her.

Ford really has to do something to find a nanny. Willa told him she needs at least another month, but she’s not sure. It’s been over two months and we’re both exhausted. I may have lost a client and he’s not happy with how he’s playing.

I’m also really horny.

It’s an unfortunate reality. Spicy romance books and my vibrator are not solving this problem.

Part of it might be because I keep thinking of Ford. We’ve spent a lot of time together lately and he’s an attractive man and also, I find his care for his daughter very endearing and while I’ve always liked him… now Ilikehim.

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