Page 66 of Keeping the Score

“Okay. Let me know how it goes.”

What? She’s leaving? Okay, right.Shedoesn’t have a day off. I shake my head. “Yeah. I will.”

“Game tomorrow, right? So, the usual game day routine?”

“Right. The game’s at six, so it’ll be a bit of an earlier night.” I smile. “I remember when I used to go out bar hopping after a Saturday night game. Good times.”

“Yeah. I remember when I used to do the same on a Saturday night,” she says dryly.

I tilt my head. “Shit. I’m sorry.” Then I frown. “You want to go bar hopping?”

She thinks about it. “Not really. But we need to talk about that.”

“About bar hopping?”

She lowers her chin. “About hiring a nanny for Tilly.”

I exhale sharply. “I know.”

“I like helping,” she says gently. “And I’m kind of getting attached to the niblet. But it’s getting really hard for both of us. I’m losing clients, you’re uh…”

I scowl. “Playing like shit.”

After our road trip, Coach calls me into his office.

“Are you sick?” he asks bluntly. “Hurt?”

“No.”Just tired.

“Something’s wrong.”

I bow my head wearily. “My daughter isn’t sleeping through the night. I only get a couple of hours’ sleep at a time. I can’t nap during the day because her schedule and my schedule don’t line up. The other day when I got her up in the morning, I discovered she was wearing two diapers. In the middle of the night when I changed her I was so tired I just put a clean diaper over the dirty one.”

“Who looks after her when you’re here?” he asks.

“My neighbor. She’s been great about helping out, but she has a business she runs so she’s busy.” She’s also one of my distractions, dammit. “We’ve got my schedule covered, though, it’s not a problem.”

“It is a problem when you’re playing like shit.”

I close my eyes. I already know I’ve been playing like shit. He doesn’t have to tell me. “Yeah.”

“Do you need some time off?” he asks. “Guys have babies, sometimes they take some time to spend with the new baby. Obviously, you never did that.”

“No. And no. I don’t need time off.”

“And the baby’s mother? Where is she now?”

“Still with her parents in North Dakota. Apparently, they’re having a slow recovery from their injuries and she’s still helping them. She said she needs another month.”

“Huh. Maybe you should try to get other childcare. This is your career, Ford.”

“I know.” I try not to sound snarly. I’m as frustrated as anyone about how I’ve been playing. Probably more so. “I know. Believe me, I’m trying. I worked hard all summer.”

“I know you did. Look, we just want you at your best. If there’s anything we can help with, say the word. You need to be healthy.”

“I get it. Thanks. I appreciate the support.”

I am so fucked.

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