Page 67 of Keeping the Score

Smitty’s still hanging out in the player lounge, looking at his phone. Probably looking at Instagram images of that pop singer he smashed at the All-Star game. He’s been obsessed with her ever since. I grab a bottle of water from the fridge and lean against the counter as I chug it.

He glances up at me. Takes in my expression. Looks back down at his phone.

I trudge over to one of the couches and sit.

“Everything okay?” Smitty asks.

“What do you think?” I lift the water bottle to my lips again.

“Is that a serious question? Or rhetorical?”

“It was rhetorical. You don’t need to answer. Everything is not okay.”

He gives me a sympathetic look.

“What happened to my life?” I lean my head back and close my eyes. “Everything was going according to plan.”

“Life doesn’t always go like we plan.”

“I know.” I exhale a sigh. “But I want it to. I like having a plan.”

“Yeah.”

“I didn’t want kids. I like living my life just the way I want it. Free. My only responsibilities were to me and the team.”

He grunts enigmatically and I lower my chin to peer at him. “What?”

“That sounds like a selfish existence.”

“Iamselfish.”

“No, you’re not.”

I squint at him again. “Have you met me?”

He almost smiles. “Yeah. Okay, when you’re single and committed to your career, you can be self-centered.”

“See?”

“But that’s not the same as selfish.”

I squint at him. “What?”

“Selfish means…” He pauses, thinking. “You make your needs a priority over everyone else’s.”

I nod. “That’s what I do.”

“Is it though? Self-centered is more like being preoccupied with your own needs and wants but you can still care about other people. When you’re single and alone, of course you’re self-centered. There’s nobody else to care about. But when you’re selfish, you pursue your own goals at the expense of others.”

I still think the hockey skate fits. But I let that roll around in my tired brain.

So he’s saying… when I’m alone it’s okay to be self-centered because it’s not hurting anyone else. Maybe? But when I’m not alone… which I no longer am, thanks to Tilly showing up… pursuing my goals at her expense is selfish. Is that what I’ve been doing?

I haven’t exactly been pursuing my goal since she arrived. I’ve given up taekwondo, meditation sessions, time with my friends. A clean home. Ha. An orderly schedule. Sleep.

Dammit, I miss sleep.

I don’t like it, but I’ve done it. Because… because she’s my daughter and I have no choice.

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