Page 68 of Keeping the Score

But I do have a choice. I could have hired a nanny, dumped Tilly on her all day and night while I followed my dream. I didn’t do that. Maybe there’s hope for me?

“Maybe when things don’t go the way you planned, the universe is trying to tell you something.”

I give Smitty a skeptical look. “I didn’t know you were into that woo-woo stuff.”

He makes a face and shrugs.

“Ohhh. This is about whatshername… the singer… Nikki.”

He rolls his eyes.

“You’re still trying to hook up with her again?”

His shoulders slump. “It’s not gonna happen. I’m busy traveling. She’s busy traveling. Recording. Doing music videos. So… yeah, maybe the universeistrying to tell me something.”

“Huh.”

“But back to you,” he says pointedly. “Sometimes we need to learn things. Get stronger. You don’t get stronger taking it easy. You should know that.”

Yeah. All those muscle-burning, mind-fucking workouts weren’t exactly taking it easy. But I wanted to get stronger. Better.

“Life lesson,” I murmur.

“Yeah. Maybe you need to change direction. Take a break.” He shrugs.

“Shit. Coach just asked if I want to take some time off.”

He purses his lips. “Might be an idea.”

“I can’t. I can’t do that.”

“Why not?”

“Because of my plan. My goal.” The only one I’ve talked to about this is Andi.

“You think your hockey career will be trashed by taking a little time off?”

I stare across the room. “Yeah.”

“But if you don’t… you might be losing out on something else.”

Tilly. Even… Andi. “They’re going to leave anyway.”

Smitty’s forehead creases. “They?”

I sink my teeth into my bottom lip. “Er…”

Then his eyes widen. “Ohhhh. You caught feelings for your neighbor.”

I meet his eyes briefly, then look away. “No, I haven’t. But… we are sleeping together.”

“Ah.”

“Just friends,” I add hastily. “No commitment. She feels the same. I’m not looking for long term.”

He gives me a doubting look.

“I meant, Tilly’s going to leave. When Willa comes back. Whenever the fuck that is.” I rub my forehead. “She’s going to leave anyway. So… Ineedto be selfish. I can’t get all involved.”

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