Page 69 of Keeping the Score

“That sounds really fucked up. But I think I get it. You’ve caught feelings for her, too.”

“She’s my daughter.” Just saying those words gives me a chill of fear. Yeah, I’m afraid. When it comes to Tilly, I’m afraid of so many things. I’m afraid I’ll mess up. I’m afraid I’ll let her down. I’m afraid she’ll get hurt. But most of all I’m afraid I’ve “caught feelings” for her when she’s only here for a short time. And when she leaves, I’m going to be wrecked.

And when Tilly leaves… Andi leaves. There’ll be no need for her to hang around with me anymore. And that… that’s what I’ve always been afraid of. That I’m not worth being loved. Tilly will go back to her mom and yeah, I intend to fight that, but what if Willa doesn’t want to share custody? It could get ugly, and in the meantime, Tilly won’t remember me. She won’t miss me.

And Andi will find some dude who’s not selfish or self-centered or whatever, someone who puts her first. She deserves that.

And I’ll be alone.

“I’ve always known I’m better off alone,” I tell Smitty. “And that’s okay. I don’t need anyone.”

“Oh, man.” He shakes his head.

“So it’s better if I keep playing. Keep myself in the game.” And protect myself from the pain I know is coming.

“Remember Kosinski?” He’s talking about our previous team captain, who got traded last year.

“Yeah?”

“You know what his problem was?”

“He was an asshole.”

Smitty grins. “Yeah. But you know what the coaches thought of him?” He pauses. “He wasn’t coachable.”

“Ooookay.” Where is this going?

“We all know what that means, when someone’s uncoachable.”

“Yeah. Not willing to learn. Not open to doing things differently. Doesn’t listen to feedback or learn from it.”

“Exactly. I think we can be like that in life, too.”

“Oh. I see. You’re dragging me. Got it.”

He laughs and gets up. “Think about it. See you tomorrow.”

21

ANDI

“I may have fucked up.”

“How so?” Elodie lifts an eyebrow, sitting across from me in Josephine’s Cocktail Lab. She lifts her guava daiquiri to sip it.

“I slept with Ford.”

“Another man! Good for you.”

I blink and pick up my espresso martini. “No, you don’t understand.Ford.”

“Honey, since your divorce you’ve been sleeping your way through the state of New Jersey. And some of New York.”

I choke on my martini. “Oh, come on!”

She laughs. “Okay, maybe a slight exaggeration. But that’s what you wanted—to lose your second virginity.”

Since Trevor was the only man I’d slept with prior to our divorce, I’d joked about losing my virginity again. “Yes, but… not with a friend. Someone I know.” I rub my temple. “Someone I have to see again because I’m helping look after his kid.”

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