Page 72 of Keeping the Score

“Show Daddy.”

Ford lays her down on the floor on her back.

“Okay, she hasn’t got back to tummy yet.” I give her little nudges on her diapered bottom and she moves onto her side. Then I guide her thighs to gently turn her over. She straightens on her arms, looking at the toy in front of her. “God, she’s cute! Look at her chubby little legs! Okay, roll over, Tilly.”

She pushes her arms out, but doesn’t move, and then… she does it! She rolls onto her back!

I clap. “Attagirl, Tilly! Look how strong you are!”

“That’s amazing.” Ford beams proudly. He looks up at me, both of us sitting on the floor, and our eyes meet. It’s a shared moment of pure and simple joy. Something warm and tender passes between us.

We play with her for a while longer, but then I realize what time it is, and I have to start a business meeting. Ford picks her up to take her back to his place. “How long is your meeting? Do you have other meetings?”

“This’ll probably be about an hour. Nothing else today. Why?”

“I’m meeting with a possible nanny at three. I want you to meet her, too.”

I go very still. “Oh. I… okay. Sure.”

“Great.” He kisses me, softly, slowly, then pulls back with a smile, meeting my eyes. “Thanks. Okay, let’s go, niblet.”

I don’t move from sitting on the floor after he’s gone.

I don’t know how I feel about this. He wants me to meet the possible nanny. I guess he wants my opinion? My blessing? I don’t know. I’m… touched. And surprised. Also… pleased. I feel valued.

And a little worried. I’m not Tilly’s mother. But dammit… I care about her. In fact, I might be a little in love with her. With her cute baby feet and chubby thighs and beautiful eyes. Her smile and baby babbling and her warm, round little body.

Oh, God. I was worried about what would happen betweenFordand me when things end. But how am I going to survive losingTilly?

I’m seized with unexpected anger at Willa. I wondered before how a mother could leave her child for months. But now I’mpissedthat she did that. How could she do that to such a sweet little girl? She doesn’t deserve Tilly!

I have to focus on business. I’ll deal with this jumble of emotions later.

After I meet Lieve—a young Dutch woman working here after finishing college to spend time in the US—I stay and help Ford make dinner while we talk about her.

“She’s young,” I say.

“Very young. I don’t like it.”

I smile. “She seems responsible and mature, though. And she has experience caring for babies.”

“True.”

“You won’t like anyone.”

He grimaces. “You’re right. Can you slice up those red peppers?”

“Yes, chef!”

He slides me a sideways look, then gives me a light swat on my butt.

I laugh and he squeezes my butt cheek and the next thing I know he has me against the counter kissing me breathless. When I draw back, I look into his eyes. “You have to do this,” I say softly. “Most parents have to use childcare when they’re working.”

“I should just retire from hockey. Then there won’t be a problem.” He steps back to continue cooking the steak strips for our burrito bowls. “I could be a stay-at-home dad.”

I laugh, then purse my lips at his serious expression. “You’re not going to quit hockey.”

“I could.”

---