Page 82 of Keeping the Score

“Just let her sleep,” Benny says.

“No can do. We’re on a schedule.”

“Ford…” Andi murmurs.

“What?”

“You can let the schedule go for today. You’re at a party.”

I purse my lips. “I guess.”

She moves closer and whispers in my ear. “Remember? Don’t let your need for control and perfection cause you to miss out on things.”

She said that when the guys threw the baby shower. And she’s right.

“Okay.” I smile down at her.

But then Tilly wakes up anyway and squawks. So much for that. I meet Andi’s eyes and we both shrug.

I crouch down to lift Tilly from her seat. She’s surly, too. “Need a diaper change?” I ask her. “Yes, you do. And you’re probably hungry.”

“Want me to do it?” Andi offers.

“Nah, I got this. Who wants to take my place?” I call out.

Alfie heads over and I carry Tilly and her diaper bag into the room where we left our coats. I’m on the floor changing her diaper when Mabel peeks in. “Hey.”

“Hi.” I smile at her. “That was fun.”

“Yeah. How’s Tilly doing?” She advances into the room with her glass of wine and perches on the bed. I like Mabel. She and I have a connection, I think because we’re both a little different. She’s bubbly and fun and says whatever she’s thinking, which sometimes causes people to think she’s a flake. But she’s definitely not.

“Good.” I tape the diaper closed. Tilly kicks her little legs and grins up at me. “Let’s get your pants back on, niblet.” I pick up the little blue jeans and shake them out, then work them onto her.

“You look so natural doing that,” Mabel says.

I grin at her. “It didn’t feel very natural at first. I’m still terrified I don’t know what I’m doing.” I tug Tilly’s beige cashmere sweater down over her tummy. Yes, I splurged. It’s super soft.

“I think all parents feel that way. It’s so weird, isn’t it? A few months ago, you were swearing you’d never have kids. And then this happens.”

“Weird,” I agree.

“And I told you maybe one day you’d meet a woman you want to have a family with.”

I tilt my head to one side, not sure where this is going.

“Is that Andi?” she asks softly.

My head snaps up to look at her.

“She came to the game,” Mabel says. “With Tilly. And they looked so cute together. Natural. Like you.” She nods. “And I saw the way you looked at them.”

“Aaaabababaga,” Tilly says.

I pick her up. “Yeah.”

“You’re obviously more than friends.”

Jesus. What is it? My mom said the same thing. We must look like we constantly want to jump each other and ball our brains out. “Yeah, we are.”

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