Page 115 of Only for Love

“Cally,” I volunteer.

Her eyes narrow. “I’m crazy happy for them, but if you hurt her, I’ll find a way to destroy you.”

Part of me would rather defend myself to her, but I get it. Actually, I’m glad Emma has a girl like Sarah at her back. “If I hurt her, you won’t have to bother. Those girls are my world.”

“I won’t let her get burned twice.”

Ryan walks over, watching Sarah. “Easy, killer.”

That defense is unexpected, but he seems to know how to disarm her. She takes a step back even though the expression on her face says she’d rather take a step toward him. Then her finger bobs from one of us to the other. “If either of you gives her hell for this, I’ll put you in the ground.”

Ryan rolls his lips together. “Got it, gangsta.” Then he adds a sincere smile. “No one plans to jump on her case.”

Alright. Okay.Emma’s brother will keep his cool, and I’ll find a way to handle my own feelings about finding my girl here. I release tension I didn’t even realize I was holding. After seeing how Ryan reacted to my homecoming, I had no idea how he would deal with this. My wager would’ve been onnot well, so his admission to Sarah is a shocker.

“And the two of you.” Her finger bobs back and forth between Ryan and me again. “If you act like assholes to each other, itwillhurt her. Then I’ll have to find a way to take outbothof you, and really, I’m not cut out for this dropping-bodies stuff.”

I have to bite my lip. I have no idea if this girl is for real or Emma’s version of my crazy friend Mazie. But Ryan moves to her side, hooks her under his arm—which makes her blush and smack his chest—and laughs. “It’ll be okay, Sarah.”

“No cute stuff, Ryan. I’m immune to you.” She ducks away, leaving us to watch her, but then she looks over her shoulder. “I need to call Cherry and tell her everything is okay.”

Glad I’m not the one calling Cherry, I nod. Ryan waves. She’s left us with our hands in our pockets, standing awkwardly.

“Immune, huh?” I joke, trying to alleviate the uncomfortable tension.

Ryan chuckles. “I wouldn’t say one hundred percent.”

I glance around, not sure what else to say. He shifts in his boots and clears his throat. We could stand on opposite sides of the room and waste time on our phones or something. But we’re stuck.Shit.Honestly, I miss the guy. If I’d ever had a brother, it would’ve been him.

There’s a tightness in my chest because I’ll never say those words, but losing him as my brother has been a heavy burden. There’s been too much loss in my life. I lost my team, lost my time with the woman I love, and lost the early years with my baby girl. And all because I couldn’t open my damn mouth.

The muscles in the back of my head strain, locking up my neck and shoulders. My palms tingle and sweat. I’m slowly being sucked back into the darkness of all I’ve abandoned, everyone I’ve hurt. My throat aches and burns. I want to swallow. I need to take a breath. But Iwill notlose my shit in the middle of a fuckin’ strip club.

Mind over matter.

Gray spots blur my peripheral vision, and my chest feels pinched.

Once upon a time, Ryan was my brother. I have fucked up life to the point where I can’t fix it.Shit.I pull a breath through my teeth.Fuck me. Fuck me. Goddamn.This will not happen now.

I pinch my eyes closed as my heartbeat slams in my chest so loudly the whole damn establishment must think there’s a mortar attack. I push myself to pivot away from Ryan and squeeze my eyes tighter than before.

Mortar attack… the blasts, the blood—morbid memories floor my senses. It’s all I can concentrate on. I picture Maddox’s face as he reached for me—as if I could save his life.Goddamn it.

My fists ball in my pockets until I think my hands will crush themselves.

A hand claps hard on my back. I’m in a complete spiral, falling apart within eyeshot of those I am desperate to impress. I stagger away in the same direction Sarah went. I can’t clear my head enough to look for an exit, but I need to escape. My steps wobble—I know they do. I can’t stop that. But I growl forward, focusing on my breaths and footsteps, trying to survive this moment.

That hand claps my back again, even though I’m moving. At least, I think I am.Shit.This is so bad. But I have complete tunnel vision and can only follow Sarah’s way out.

A weight leans against me—no, I lean against it. Somehow, I move with purpose toward the back hall, away from Emma, away from Titan and Delta. They don’t need to see this. My head hangs low. I’m panicked and ashamed, but when I look up—it’s Ryan.

I seal my eyes shut. My breaths heave through my clenched teeth.

“Open your eyes, man.”

Anguish and anger torment me—I can hear the explosions ripping my team to bloody pieces—and I can’t get away from my own mind. I can’t stop thinking about everything I’ve screwed up.

“I’ve got you, brother.” The words are quiet. ButGod, they are strong.

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