Page 23 of Only for Love

“What?”

“You’re…” His hand flexes on the steering wheel. “Growling or something.”

“I didn’t growl.”

He changes lanes, looking more at me than his blind spot. “So what was that?”

“I’m just…not okay. I want to scream. Or cry. Probably both. Because of you.”

He rubs a hand over his face and into his hair.

If it wouldn’t kill us on the highway, I would shake him. First, because my hands would be on him again, and it would be temporary heaven. But second, isn’t it possible to rattle someone so hard that whatever is wrong with them—with us—slips away? “You told me I can’t hide from you. You made me promise I wouldn’t avoid you, Gray.Promise.”

“Yeah, I know,” he mumbles.

“What is it, a double standard?”

The radio station comes back from commercial, and his thumbs beat on the steering wheel. “You wouldn’t understand, and I can’t explain it.”

He turns the music up. Riding with him was an awful idea, and now I can’t breathe. My skin crawls. The seatbelt chokes me, and the air conditioning is blowing full blast, but it won’t take the edge off the heat eating me alive.

“Everything was awesome. It was… perfect. And when—”

“Drop it, Ems. I can’t talk to you about it.”

My fingernails bite into my palms as I ball my fists in my lap. “Try me. Talk to me. Just say anything.”

“I can’t.”

“Damn it, Gray.Try!”

Surprised, he turns his head. His eyes stay with me like we’re not flying down the road. “Ems—”

“Stop with the Ems. Stops witheverything,” I scream. “Stop what’s wrong. Stop it, stop it.”

“Jesus, Emma, calm down. I’m not doing anything.”

“Except you are.” My body curls in on itself, and my head shakes. The sadness and loss is overwhelming. I just ache. My stuttering breaths fall ragged between my lips. A tear slips free.

“It’s for the best—”

“I don’t believe you.” The guy who made me feel like I was so much more than some art nerd who happened to be his friend—that guy held me, kissed me. He made me want to give all of me to him.

“You’d never understand.” His hand reaches over to find mine, and it sends a strike of lightning straight to my heart. “It’s always been about you.”

My eyes sink shut, and my mind spins. He’s driving with his left hand. His right hand firmly holds my tight fist. His fingers flex and squeeze like he’s trying to tell me something. I don’t get it. But I do feel it.

I don’t know why he runs from me, but I swear we’re not over. He can fight, but if there’s one gift he’s given me over the past few weeks, or maybe even the years we’ve been building to this point, it’s this car ride.

I take my other hand and clasp it over his, sandwiching our hands. Gray lets out a slow breath, and I hope that he sees we’re not lost. Not yet. He’s running, and I’ll stop him. Save him. Grayson’s the strongest guy I know, but right now, it feels like I’m holding him afloat.

“Emma, I did something that I can’t get out of.”

I swallow and wonder if this has to do with his dad or something else. “Okay.”

“And I keep pretending if I don’t know it’s coming, maybe it won’t happen.”

Kind of like how I’m not thinking about Trydan. When the fall semester starts, I won’t see him every day. It isn’t that far away. Being a couple of states over isn’t that big of a deal unless he asks me to stay, and then it would be… a yes?

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