Page 62 of Only for Love

CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR

Grayson

For as far back as I can remember, my mom sucked down pills. They made her happy; they made her sad. It was circular, one feeling morphing into the next. A smile. A frown. The whacked-out emotions seesawed back and forth. I didn’t know what was wrong with her, but I knew she needed me. Until I killed her.

Right now, kneeling on Emma’s bed, hearing the wordC-section, I know the fucked-up truth. I let people down. It’s my lot in life. I don’t mean for it to happen, but my decisions are my worst enemy. Pops preached that truth from the day he walked in as I stood over my lifeless mother.

Now tears prick my eyes and raw fear skates down my throat as I stare at Emma. She cowers against the wall, pulling the covers to her chin as though they’re a protective barrier.From me.

“C-section?” I thought I’d failed her—failed us. Dammit, I was wrong.

She nods. Her tears fall over her cheeks, and she doesn’t wipe them. Wet streaks stain her skin pink, reminding me that I do nothing but ruin lives. I have no response. I’m sick. My muscles tense as the urge to run wars with the weight of my abandonment. I don’t know which way to go or what to do.

Just another pill, baby. Gray-baby, give Mama her pills. Such a good boy. Precious boy.

A panic attack is coming. I know the signs, the feelings. That moment when I try for a breath and can’t take one.

Calm down.

Think.

I concentrate, hoping to focus on Emma… but my vision skews. Black and gray. Hazy and distorted. The walls are caving in, inching closer with every heavy thud of my agitated heart.

“Emma—” My voice shakes.

The room tilts forward. I follow, falling, my head down, my balled fists digging into her mattress. I can’t escape the smothering grip around my neck.

“Gray? Are you okay?”

A cold sweat covers my body. I can't swallow, can’t function, can’t make sense of the room spinning. “Emma.Ems,God.” I’m not sure I can handle this.

“I’m so sorry,” she whispers.

I look up and hold her eyes, seeking the truth that I’m terrified to confirm. “You said you’ve never been with anybody but me?”

Her head barely nods. Soft blond hair falls over her shoulder, framing her innocent face.

“We.” The thick lump in my throat won’t budge, and I can’t look her in the eye. “Have a baby?”

But I didn’t see any toys. A million thoughts crowd my mind. Adoption? Something happened? A protective wave of adrenaline surges through me at the thought of lost years and decisions I know nothing about.

“You weren’t supposed to find out this way.” Emma wraps her arms around her legs, holding herself. “She’s perfect.”

My heart explodes, and my eyes burn. “She?”

The only girl I’ve ever loved nods again. “We… have a little girl.”

Confirmation.

My fists loosen, and I claw into the blanket, fighting the fall into darkness. My mind screams of everyone I’ve abandoned. But, God, now there are two girls I love, and I refuse to run from this moment. “A little girl.”

“Yeah.”

I don’t know what to do. I’m aching. Devastated. Curious. Scared. Angry. I’meverything,a million times more intense than I’ve ever experienced. But the guilt. It’s going to kill me. Emma and our little girl? Another person I let down, and she’s my flesh and blood. I hurt my daughter. Just like my dad.No. Just like my mom.

“Gray?” Concern carries in her voice. “Are you okay?”

Shit, no. I’m dying. The only thing I know to do is reach for Emma. She’s saved me my whole life, and she might be the only who can save me now. I force myself to look into her eyes, certain of the hatred and desertion I’ll see there, but I can’t get a read on her.

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